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Thread: Musician Jokes

  1. #151

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Banjo player says he’ll meet his girlfriend after the gig.
    He runs off stage, and they disappear into the forest holding hands.
    He takes out a knife from his pocket and carves their names into a tree.
    She says, ‘do you always carry a knife to a gig?’

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  3. #152

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

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    " Practice every time you get a chance." - Bill Monroe

  4. #153

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by atsunrise View Post
    Banjo player says he’ll meet his girlfriend after the gig.
    He runs off stage, and they disappear into the forest holding hands.
    He takes out a knife from his pocket and carves their names into a tree.
    She says, ‘do you always carry a knife to a gig?’
    I don't get this one. Help?

  5. #154
    but that's just me Bertram Henze's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by DevanBennett View Post
    I don't get this one. Help?
    Murder ballad?
    I mean - a banjo player has a girlfriend in a banjo joke?
    the world is better off without bad ideas, good ideas are better off without the world

  6. #155
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by DevanBennett View Post
    I don't get this one. Help?
    Me neither
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

  7. #156

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Sorry guys, bad joke.
    I just realised that when I think of knife, I think of defense, not attack. Or even cooking meals.
    And the joke’s not simple enough.
    And having the girlfriend in the joke brings in possible antagonism, gender issues maybe, or at least ambiguity.
    And the guy’s running off stage because his playing was so bad, and the knife was to defend himself.
    -but maybe a knife is too contemporary.
    I guess if there were knife fights, or even just frenzied people in my street then it would become a taboo subject.

    Oh, writing jokes is not easy!
    Well, back to the drawing board, not all of them make it...

    Could have the banjo player always wearing an American football outfit whenever he plays?
    Or the whole band wearing protective equipment because they have a new banjo player.
    And on...

  8. #157
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Well not a joke, but a humorous true story (unless you're me)
    Last year, in early June I was given a Trumpet, not a very good one, but (mostly) functional. The guy who gave it to me also taught me a little bit, and gave me an exercise to strengthen my mouth. He said everyday, before you play, play a scale slowly up and down, holding each note as long as you can. So I obligingly did so. I always played standing on our porch, cuz I would drain the spit trap on the ground. Our porch in front of our house (we have a weird set up, actually two houses at right angles) is about 2.5' wide, and the ground tapers from about six inches below it to about 3' down, with no rail cuz it's unnecessary. So I was standing roughly in the middle of the porch, practicing my Trumpet one day, and I was in the middle of a scale (la maybe) blowing each note about twenty seconds, and I passed out, and fell off the porch. I bonked my head, chipped a tooth (almost half of it), my leg got scraped on the porch, and my trumpet got bent in half (just the bell). I had always wondered what it was like to pass out.... anyway, my dad bent the trumpet back straight, and it sounds about the same as it did. I didn't suffer any long term ill effects (save for the tooth, which is still chipped), and, I didn't suffer any long term ill effects, (save for the tooth, which is still chipped).
    I doubt I'll ever live that down, but it'll be a good story when I'm old at least
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
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  9. #158

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by atsunrise View Post
    Banjo player says he’ll meet his girlfriend after the gig.
    He runs off stage, and they disappear into the forest holding hands.
    He takes out a knife from his pocket and carves their names into a tree.
    She says, ‘do you always carry a knife to a gig?’
    Like some others, when I first read this I scratched my head. And continued scrolling.

    But then I got it.

    This is an example of using deflection for humor. (Illusionists also use deflection to "fool" their audiences.)
    You see, the joke is in the first line: Banjo player says he’ll meet his girlfriend after the gig.

    Oh that a banjo player would have a girlfriend!! Hahaha.

    The rest of the lines are simply to deflect us away from the punch line. If you focus on the knife, you've missed it.

    Here is another example of deflection.

    Mother: "How was your banjo lesson today, son?"
    Son: "The important thing is that we have our health, Mom."

  10. #159
    but that's just me Bertram Henze's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Gunnar View Post
    ...and I passed out, and fell off the porch.
    It happens. The Irish flute player Ciaran Carson recommended practising while lying on your back, partly to find the correct embochure position more easily, partly to prepare for dizziness.
    I wonder how those brass bands can play while marching.
    the world is better off without bad ideas, good ideas are better off without the world

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  12. #160
    Some Ability - No Talent MikeZito's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Bertram Henze View Post
    It happens. The Irish flute player Ciaran Carson recommended practising while lying on your back, partly to find the correct embochure position more easily, partly to prepare for dizziness. I wonder how those brass bands can play while marching.
    I can't help but wonder if marching bands 'lip synch' nowadays . . . especially when you see them in big events like the Macy's parade . . .

  13. #161

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Old mandolinist talking to a reporter about his band.

    ‘Yes I remember we were playing Oldtime when The Beatles became popular. We were pretty good.’

    Then, looking sad he says, ‘I remember, years later, when the Beatles stopped playing together.

    -it was about the same time our banjo player joined us... and we stopped playing together.’





    Conductor of an orchestra during a practice session shouts, ‘stop! stop! -trombonist number 2, you’re playing much too loud!’
    The others in the orchestra, surprised, reply, ‘but he’s late for the practice, he’ll be here in 10 minutes.’
    Conductor, ‘ok, when he arrives you make sure you let him know.’



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    After the band’s first practice together.
    Mandolinist says to the banjo player, ‘you play well... so how do you like living here in the city?’
    Banjo player, ‘it’s different, but ok. I mean for one thing my neighbour on the fifth floor downstairs is a pain in the ass. They were banging on the ceiling for two hours at 3 this morning.’
    Mandolinist, ’Ah that’s too bad they kept you awake.’
    Banjo player, ‘naw, I was already awake, practicing. But these city folk... you know?’



    Clemenceau (1917 French Prime minister): "La justice militaire est เ la justice, ce que la musique militaire est เ la musique".

    -Military Justice is to Justice what military music is to music.
    Last edited by atsunrise; Sep-08-2019 at 5:18am.

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  15. #162

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Not sure if these are already in the thread...

    The band arrive at the gig and are just about to start playing.
    The banjo player shouts, ‘oh no, I’ve forgotten my banjo!’
    The fiddle player says, ‘Ah, that’s too bad, where is it?’
    Banjo player, ‘it’s on the music stand next to you.’



    A guy walks into a music shop and is surprised to see that half of the shop sells arms and ammunition.
    Shopkeeper, ‘It makes sense. Every time I sell a trumpet, a couple of days later a neighbour comes in and wants to buy a revolver.’



    Why are philosophers and drummers similar?
    -because they both see time as an abstract concept.
    Last edited by atsunrise; Sep-08-2019 at 6:05am.

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  17. #163
    Registered User dustyamps's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    I think these qualify as a joke...
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  19. #164
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Two banjo players decided to go fishing, so they went to the lake and rented a boat and some poles and went fishing. They moved around the lake some, and in one spot they both caught several large fish. So the one said to the other, "we should mark this spot" so the other guy grabs a sharpie and makes a large X on the floor of the boat. The first guy says "no you idiot that won't work; next time we might not get the same boat!"
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

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  21. #165
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A guy is walking beside the river but he wants to get to the other side. He sees a man with a banjo sitting on the bank on the other side. He yells across, "How do I get to the other side?" The banjo picker yells back, "You are on the other side."
    David Hopkins

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    but that's just me Bertram Henze's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by DHopkins View Post
    "You are on the other side."
    he has a point, and I'll have to remember that logic for occasional application.
    the world is better off without bad ideas, good ideas are better off without the world

  23. #167
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What's the difference between a bassist's girlfriend and a walrus?
    One has a mustache and smells like fish; The other one is a walrus
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

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  25. #168
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    So, when Berklee college of music started their roots music program, it was a tough sell to the board. They ended up getting approval for a trial period, to take ten students, and all of them had to graduate for the program to actually happen. They had no trouble with nine of the students, but the tenth, a great banjo picker, was just not very bright. He just couldn't make passing grades even after being there trying for five years, so the head of the program went to talk to the dean (who wanted the program to happen). He said "look, this guy isn't passing, and soon the board is gonna decide that the program failed and cancel it. So let's do this, call the guy to your office and ask him a simple question, and if he answers correctly, we'll give him the degree and get him out of here." So the dean agreed, and they scheduled a time for the meeting. But word got out what was happening, and when the time came for the meeting, they couldn't get to the office cuz there was a huge crowd blocking the halls to watch. So they rescheduled the meeting and moved it to the basketball court, but when the time came, the court was packed and there was no space anywhere, cuz everyone wanted to see if the guy could pass. So they moved it to the football stadium, and by this time, famous former graduates who had gone on to become doctors and lawyers were flying back in just to be there to see if the guy would pass. The stadium was packed, and the dean, the head of the roots program, and the banjo player were all on a raised platform in the middle of the field. So the dean very pompously shushed the crowd, and asked the banjo player the question; "what's two plus two?" The banjo player started to sweat, and frantically starts counting on his fingers. He rechecked his math a few times and then says "four?" And in perfect unison, the crowd erupted, chanting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

  26. #169

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    Wow that was really very very funny, of course I have been known to exagerate.

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  27. #170

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave Hanson View Post
    Wow that was really very very funny, of course I have been known to exagerate.

    Dave H
    What is known in Scotland as a long road to a wee house.

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  29. #171
    but that's just me Bertram Henze's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ron McMillan View Post
    What is known in Scotland as a long road to a wee house.
    The Irish seem to be masters of it. Here's Jon Kenny:

    Last edited by Bertram Henze; Sep-12-2019 at 6:02am.
    the world is better off without bad ideas, good ideas are better off without the world

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  31. #172
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What's bigger a violin or a viola?
    Actually they're the same size - violin players just have larger heads.

    An old pickup with an 'I ❤️ Banjo' sticker is tearing down the road and gets pulled over by a state trooper.
    "Good evening sir, do you have any ID?" asks the statey.
    "Ahdee 'bout what?" replies the driver.

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  33. #173

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    These are real questions taken from a Orchestra Conductor’s examination. 10 points for each answer.

    Jethro has been playing electric bass in a rock band for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total number of days in the band) x 0.0076.
    Assuming he stopped practicing altogether 12 years, two months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the bass?

    Wilson is tired of paying for new clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues that he finds in the trash after rehearsal, will he be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probability of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra.

    Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

    Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?

    Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

    Ralph is a lead guitarist and loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than his manager, Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire audience consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?

    Casey plays the banjo wearing XXXL size red and green checkered shirts and shouts ‘Yeehaaaaar!’ on average 7.8 times per performance. Assuming he joined the Symphony Orchestra 19 days ago, and that the conductor is tone deaf in his left ear and is color blind, how long will it be before the 2nd violinists are also shouting ‘Yeehaaaaar!’?

    Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages, she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?
    Last edited by atsunrise; Sep-30-2019 at 3:28pm.

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  35. #174
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Five, seven, Bill Monroe was actually deaf in his left ear not his right, the square root of 69ืthe average height of a sixteen year old French bulldog is the answer, Richard died exactly five months, thirteen days, four hours twenty five minutes and seventeen seconds ago, but due to the posthumous effects of coffee, no one will notice that he's dead for another approximately two and a half months. I didn't answer the other questions cuz I don't like trick questions.....
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

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