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Thread: Musician Jokes

  1. #1
    F5G & MD305 Astro's Avatar
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    Default Musician Jokes

    -The hard part about playing banjo is learning to live alone.

    -Did you hear about the time our bassist locked his car keys in his car? We had to break the window to let him out...


    -How can you tell the stage is level?
    The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.

    -Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
    "Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

    -What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
    A drummer.

    -What has three legs and a butt hole on top of it?
    A Drum Throne!

    -- did you hear about the accordianist who left his accordian in the back seat of his car while he ate? yeah, he rushed out and sure enough someone had broken in and left two more accordians!

    -Subtle differeces between guitarists and drummers: Only one out of 10,000 guitarists can fill a stadium; but 9,999 drummers out of 10,000 could empty one. [|)]

    -why do bands have keyboards in them?
    so they don't spill beer on their amps.

    -What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
    Homeless!

    -What do you throw a drowning lead electric guitar player?
    His amp.

    -A guy walks in on a wake at a local bar. He's met at the door by one of the patrons who explains that they're mourning an accordion player who died peniless. The patron asks the guy if he can spare five dollars to help bury an accordion player.
    The guy hands the patron a ten and says "here, bury two"
    Last edited by Astro; Oct-28-2012 at 7:47pm.

  2. #2
    F5G & MD305 Astro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    -What's the difference between a Banjo and a Trampoline??
    You take your shoes off before you jump on a Trampoline!!

    -Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. One two, one two.

    -Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
    A: A tattoo.

    -Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
    A: Saliva.


    I've got no Mando jokes because I just started playing Mando.

    Yeah, I know, thats the biggest joke of all
    Last edited by Astro; Oct-28-2012 at 7:46pm.

  3. #3
    Carpe Mandolinium
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Did you hear about the mandolin player who kept bragging to his band-mates that he could play thirty-second notes?

    One day they got sick of it and challenged him to prove it.

    So he played one.
    == JOHN ==



    Music washes away from the soul the dust of every day life.

    --Berthold Auerbach



  4. #4

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?...

    Nobody cries when they cut up a banjo!

  5. #5
    Registered User John Flynn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    My all time favorite:

    Q: Why did the banjo player hang a capo from his rear view mirror?

    A: So he could park in the handicapped spots!

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  7. #6
    Innocent Bystander JeffD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Difference between a banjo player and a savings bond? The bond matures.
    Indulge responsibly!

    The entire staff
    funny....

  8. #7
    Mando accumulator allenhopkins's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Endless number --

    What's the difference between an old-time musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

    What's the least common English sentence? "Say, isn't that the mandolin player's Ferrari?"

    How many Balkan musicians needed to change a light bulb? One-two, one-two, one-two-three...

    How many folkies to change a light bulb? Five: one to change the bulb, and four to sing about how great the old light bulb was.

    During a bluegrass band's rehearsal, the banjo player breaks out into a string of curses, aimed at the guitarist. Asked what the problem is, he replies, "That guy untuned one of my strings, and he won't tell me which one it was!"



    A man enters a small, dingy antique shop down by the waterfront. Looking around, he spies an oddity: a stuffed and mounted rat, a marvelous example of taxidermy. "How much?" he asks the proprietor

    "Oh, I can't sell you that," the shopkeeper replies. "I probably shouldn't even display it; there's supposed to be some sorta curse..."

    "Nonsense," says the shopper. "I'll give you $100 cash for it, right now!" And he walks out with the stuffed rat under his arm.

    As he walks along the street, he hears tiny footsteps behind him. He looks back, and a rat is following him. He walks faster, but other rats come out of doorways and join the first. The man breaks into a run, but by now thousands of rats are running after him, getting closer.

    The man runs down a street leading to the river, stops, and hurls the stuffed rat into the water. The thousands of rats follow it into the river, leaping to their deaths.

    The man goes back to the antique store. "That stuffed rat..." he pants.

    "I warned you!" says the proprietor. "Don't come back here looking for a refund!"

    "No, no," the man says, "it's not that. I just want to know: do you have any stuffed banjo players?"
    Allen Hopkins
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  10. #8
    Scroll Lock Austin Bob's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What's the best way to tune a banjo? Wire cutters.

    How do you keep someone from stealing you mandolin? Keep it in a viola case.

    How do you get the lead guitar player to turn down his amp? Put sheet music in front of him.

    How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb? Not sure, no one ever watches the choir director.

    What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.
    A quarter tone flat and a half a beat behind.

  11. #9

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What do you say to a banjo player in a suit?

    Will the defendant please rise.

  12. #10
    Carpe Mandolinium
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Q: Why do people panic when you walk into a bank carrying a violin case?
    A: They think you're carrying a machine gun and you're prepared to use it.

    Q: Why do people panic when you walk into a bank carrying a banjo case?
    A: They think you're carrying a banjo and you're prepared to use it.
    Last edited by John McCoy; Oct-28-2012 at 11:47pm. Reason: typo
    == JOHN ==



    Music washes away from the soul the dust of every day life.

    --Berthold Auerbach



  13. #11

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    How many mandolin players does it take to change a light bulb ?

    11 one to change the bulb and 5 to say ' well Bill wouldn't have done it that way ' and 5 to complain it's electric.

    and the definition of a ' gentleman ' is ?

    someone who can play the accordion, and doesn't.

    Dave H
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  14. #12
    Registered User John Flynn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    How many musicians does it take to resolve a thread asking a question about changing a string?

    1 answers the question posted by the OP.
    6 share their experiences in string changing and methods of replacing strings.
    1 posts to complain because the OP didn't do a search for "changing strings" before asking his question.
    3 warn that changing strings is dangerous, you can poke your finger.
    1 PMs the moderator that discussing changing strings is off topic in this forum.
    1 corrects the grammar in another post.
    1 complains that people should not complain about grammar on a message board.
    1 requests the thread to be moved to the "equipment forum".
    1 posts a joke about string changing.
    3 others follow up and post more jokes.
    1 brags that he changes strings every week.
    1 says that discussing changing strings every week may offend people who can’t afford to do that.
    1 posts that old strings should be recycled.
    3 others argue about the pros and cons of string recycling.
    6 argue about the best place to buy strings, the best way to change them, and which brand of strings are best.
    7 link to sites where you can see various strings.
    1 says that some of the links don't work and that "here's the right link".
    1 sorts the previous posts and compiles one big text and add their own opinion at the end.
    3 post to talk about gadgets they use to change strings.
    3 post that the gadgets don't work.
    1 claims he is leaving the forum forever because he can't stand the thread.
    4 suggest the board start an FAQ on strings and their changing.
    2 request a new forum called "string forum".
    1 claims that the physics principle of cold fusion was meant just for this.
    6 argue about coated v. non-coated strings
    1 person posts complete and utter nonsense that has nothing to do with the thread.

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  16. #13
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    OK, John, that was the funniest thing I've heard since my wife suggested I sell one of my "extra" mandolins. Either you (or I) spend too much time on the Cafe! The only thing I thought your list lacked was, no doubt someone would start saying something about what kind of strings Thile uses (and how they hate them ... or love them), or if Gibson strings are in violation of environmental regulations (and if that is really OK or not). Oh, yeah, somebody would certainly ask about the best case to keep your strings in, in between changes (Calton, or would just a Travelite be good enough?). I guess string theorists would say the thread is endless, and can't be resolved ...


    Quote Originally Posted by John Flynn View Post
    How many musicians does it take to resolve a thread asking a question about changing a string?

    1 answers the question posted by the OP.
    6 share their experiences in string changing and methods of replacing strings.
    1 posts to complain because the OP didn't do a search for "changing strings" before asking his question.
    3 warn that changing strings is dangerous, you can poke your finger.
    1 PMs the moderator that discussing changing strings is off topic in this forum.
    1 corrects the grammar in another post.
    1 complains that people should not complain about grammar on a message board.
    1 requests the thread to be moved to the "equipment forum".
    1 posts a joke about string changing.
    3 others follow up and post more jokes.
    1 brags that he changes strings every week.
    1 says that discussing changing strings every week may offend people who can’t afford to do that.
    1 posts that old strings should be recycled.
    3 others argue about the pros and cons of string recycling.
    6 argue about the best place to buy strings, the best way to change them, and which brand of strings are best.
    7 link to sites where you can see various strings.
    1 says that some of the links don't work and that "here's the right link".
    1 sorts the previous posts and compiles one big text and add their own opinion at the end.
    3 post to talk about gadgets they use to change strings.
    3 post that the gadgets don't work.
    1 claims he is leaving the forum forever because he can't stand the thread.
    4 suggest the board start an FAQ on strings and their changing.
    2 request a new forum called "string forum".
    1 claims that the physics principle of cold fusion was meant just for this.
    6 argue about coated v. non-coated strings
    1 person posts complete and utter nonsense that has nothing to do with the thread.

  17. #14

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by John Flynn View Post
    1 person posts complete and utter nonsense that has nothing to do with the thread.
    For a minute there, i though i was going to be left out.

  18. #15
    Registered User Randi Gormley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What do you say to the banjo player with a beautiful woman on his arm? "Nice tattoo." There. One of my favorites.
    --------------------------------
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  20. #16
    Registered User David Rambo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
    A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

    Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
    A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

    Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
    A: You can turn off a chainsaw.

    Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
    A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

    Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
    A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

    Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
    A: Saves time.

    "Anyone can play one of them things-all you need is three fingers and a plastic head".

    At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players for our experiments?"
    "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
    "Well, for several reasons. we found that banjo players are far more plentiful; the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; the Animal Rights Activists leave us alone; and there are some things even a rat won't do... However, sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."


    "Put your hands to the wood
    Touch the music put there by the summer sun and wind
    The rhythms of the rain, locked within the rings
    And let your fingers find The Music in the Wood."
    Joe Grant and Al Parrish (chorus from The Music in the Wood)

  21. #17
    Registered User Plamen Ivanov's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    I like the one about the Balkan musicians changing the light bulb :-)

    Now thatīs a real story about a famous Bulgarian composer who witnessed a car accident where the guilty driver left the 'scene of the crime'. When the police arrived they asked the composer about whether he can somehow identify the car which caused the accident and left. The composer then replied: 'Of course, his horn produced a sound in B flat just before the crash'.

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  23. #18

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    How do you get a drummer off your front porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.

  24. #19
    Registered User Rick Jones's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A bass player is reading the weekly trade rag, and sees an ad that says "Bass Players' Cruise - $10". He hasn't been away in awhile, and it sounds like a great deal so he calls the number for information. The receptionist tells him "The cruise leaves at midnight. Just be on the dock at 11:30 with your bass and $10."

    On the appointed evening, he gathers up his upright and heads down to the dock and waits. He awakens in the foggy dawn - floating down the river, strapped to his bass, with a big knot on his head. Squinting through the fog he spies another man and not far off, also floating along strapped to a bass. He hollers through the mist "Do they serve any food on this cruise?" A voice calls back to him and says "Well ... they didn't last year."
    "I don't want to get technical or anything, but according to chemistry, alcohol actually IS a solution."

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  26. #20
    Scroll Lock Austin Bob's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A group of terrorists stormed into a banjo workshop and took all 50 participants hostage.

    They threatened to release one per day until their demands were met.
    A quarter tone flat and a half a beat behind.

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  28. #21
    Registered Mandolin User mandopete's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Yeah, these are kinda old so I'll just update my old favorite....

    Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
    A: A trombone player with a Facebook page!
    2015 Chevy Silverado
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  29. #22

  30. #23
    coprolite mandroid's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    After the rats of Hamlin followed the Pipers hypnotic tune and were drowned as they jumped off the pier,
    the village Burghers handed the fellow a Banjo to repeat the ridding the town of that scourge.
    writing about music
    is like dancing,
    about architecture

  31. #24
    MandoSkier
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    1. What's the difference between a dead squirrel lying on the road and a mandolin player lying on the road?

    The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

    2. How is lightening like a mandolin player's fingers?

    Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

    3. Definition of perfect pitch: throwing a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

    4. What do a mandolin and a lawsuit have in common?

    Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

    5. What looks good on a banjo player?

    A rottweiler.

  32. #25
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What do you call a big building full of guitarists? Prison!

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