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Thread: Musician Jokes

  1. #101

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    ...
    Last edited by Simon DS; Jul-02-2019 at 7:05am. Reason: Oops wrong thread
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  2. #102

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Clark Kent goes to report on a Musicians Conference.
    The conference building is packed with musicians. He gets a call from his editor to say that the cops are coming. There’s an armed robbery in the carpark. And it’s the carpark on the floor just below Clark.
    ‘Important though’, adds the editor, ‘don’t let superman hear about it. That guys’s real strong, but he’s also real stupid.’
    Clark runs into the rest room. He jumps into his Superman outfit and thinks.
    Then in a split second he writes a sign, ‘WARNING! DANGER NO ENTRY!’
    He sticks it on the door of the rest room, goes back inside and punches a huge hole in the concrete floor.
    He then flies down through it and captures three bad guys in the car park.
    Then he goes upstairs, changes back into Clark Kent and tells the building manager.
    The manager shouts, ‘A sign? Oh no!’
    He walks in and peers down through the hole,
    ‘Dang! Two banjo players and a bassist already!’
    Clark tries to explain but...

    There’s an announcement on the speaker system.
    ‘Message for Superman, there were four bad guys, not three... dumb ass!
    There’s another bad guy on the other side of the building. He’s telling everyone how stupid you are, now get over there and don’t f##k up again!’

    Clark’s really mad now.
    He says, ‘Why that ungrateful, good for...’
    ‘Yeh, he’s such a dumb ass!’ adds the building manager.

    So Clark runs to the other side of the building, swearing, and goes into another rest room and stops. And thinks.
    In a split second he steals a back pack from one of the musicians, punches another hole through the concrete floor, and captures the fourth bad guy.
    Two minutes later the manager arrives out of breath at the restroom.
    ‘Click, click, click...’
    Clark’s outside the door smiling.
    A hole has been punched into the door and someone has jammed a metronome into it. A ripped open back pack is lying on the floor.

    ‘Superman set up a metronome to scare away the banjo players. That Superman’s pretty darn clever, huh?’
    The manager shouts, ‘A metronome? Oh no!’
    He walks in and peers down through the hole, ‘two mandolinists and a fiddler!’
    Old UserName: AtSunrise. DOUBLE STOPS in Rise by Eddie Vedder:
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  3. #103
    Registered User Sherry Cadenhead's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    My husband says none of these banjo jokes are funny. Then he asked me: what do you call a mandolinist with a warped mind?

    A banjo.

    Now, that's not funny.
    This space reserved for 5 year mandolin gift to self.

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  5. #104

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A have a friend who used to laugh before the punchline.
    In fact he’d often start laughing before you’d even begun the joke.
    He’d be gagging for breath laughing just at the thought of a joke.
    We’d say, why are you doing that?
    So he stopped.
    Old UserName: AtSunrise. DOUBLE STOPS in Rise by Eddie Vedder:
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  6. #105
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A trombonist and a drummer were out in the middle of the ocean on a boat. The boat sank. Who survived?


    Answer: our ears

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  8. #106

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What’s the difference between a ukelele and a mandolin?

    A ukelele is a small fretted instrument which thousands of people enjoy playing.

    A mandolin is a small fretted instrument which thousands of people enjoy hearing.

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  10. #107
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Well, a few years back a homeless man died near where we lived, and he had no family or friends, so our church decided to give him a small funeral, and asked if I could play bagpipes for the funeral. I agreed, but on the day of the funeral, I couldn't find the site, being new to the area. It took about three hours before I found the place, and by that time the workmen were already filling the hole. Not to be bothered by such trivialities, I went to play anyway. I played everything in my limited bagpipe repertoire. The workmen stopped to listen as I played out my heart and soul for this homeless man. During my final song, as I played amazing grace, it was so touching that we all started weeping. We all stood there crying our eyes out as I played amazing grace. Then, with nothing else to play, I started to leave. As I reached my car, I heard one of the workmen saying to another, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen nothing like that before!"
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

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  12. #108
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A drummer and a guitarist had an argument about which of their instruments is the more difficult to play so they agree to go away and try each other’s instrument for a month. The guitarist buys a set of drums and starts practicing. The drummer goes into a shop and tells the man behind the counter that he wants to buy a guitar. “You’re a drummer aren’t you?” The man behind the counter says. “How did you know that?” The drummer replies. “This is MacDonalds” says the man.

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  14. #109
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Loretta Lynn was asked the difference between a fiddle and a violin, she said a violin is a bunch of fiddle's

    Difference between a trombone player and a frog driving down the road, the frog is more than likely headed to a gig.

  15. #110
    Registered User Randi Gormley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    I'll tell this in the original, but you can see where there's some latitude. The setup for this was an emcee who was trying to keep the audience entertained while the next band was being set up. The emcee is actually a stellar fiddler (whom everybody knew) and he kept telling children's jokes (what's brown and sticky? a brown stick!) and one of the flute players on the stage was razzing him over his bad jokes.

    at which he responded: what's the definition of a chord? three flute players playing an A.
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  17. #111
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    I do remember one night at an intimate concert in a local stately home. The jazz guitarist Martin Taylor was having trouble with his amp at the start of his second spot. A “roadie”, who had been selling CDs for him during the interval appeared on stage to sort things out whilst Martin chatted to the audience.

    “He isn’t just a roadie”, said Martin, “he’s actually my son”. “Is he a musician as well?” asked someone in the audience. “Nahhh...” said Martin, “He’s a drummer.”

  18. #112
    MandolaViola bratsche's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Vocalists always hate to hear this, over the intercom before a performance:
    "Ladies and gentlemen. five minutes! Will all musicians and singers report to your places, please!"

    bratsche
    "There are two refuges from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer

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  19. #113

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Victor Borge (pianist):


    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RtDX1Vl-Jxk


    And here’s something else that’s sort of interesting:
    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke
    Old UserName: AtSunrise. DOUBLE STOPS in Rise by Eddie Vedder:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7SsNJkZBKuA
    https://www.youtube.com/user/Joedynamo1066

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  21. #114

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A drummer’s tired of people making fun of him so he decides to learn the piano.
    ‘I don’t need lessons,’ he thinks, ‘it’s basically a whole load of tiny black and white drums, and what’s more, I already know the songs’.
    He tries to play for about an hour but he gets dizzy and it doesn’t work out, so he stops and thinks.
    ‘This piano is useless, now I’ve got a real bad headache and my face is sore on BOTH sides!’
    -yup, he was trying to play by ear.
    Old UserName: AtSunrise. DOUBLE STOPS in Rise by Eddie Vedder:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7SsNJkZBKuA
    https://www.youtube.com/user/Joedynamo1066

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  23. #115
    Front Porch & Sweet Tea NursingDaBlues's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    if you die, you want it to be while the drummer is doing a solo because the transition would be subtle
    Last edited by NursingDaBlues; Jul-24-2019 at 1:04pm.

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  25. #116
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What's the difference between a blue bulldog painted on a lawn and a nice F5 mandolin?
    The dog has blue grass for chops, and the mandolin has chops for bluegrass!
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

  26. #117
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Here's one I just heard yesterday: What's the best pickup to put on a banjo?

    An F150
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

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  28. #118
    Registered User dustyamps's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Finally, a cure.
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  30. #119
    Registered User Ranald's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Heard this one yesterday:

    Why is everyone protesting the G7 summit, couldn't we just switch to C natural?
    Robert Johnson's mother, describing blues musicians:
    "I never did have no trouble with him until he got big enough to be round with bigger boys and off from home. Then he used to follow all these harp blowers, mandoleen (sic) and guitar players."
    Lomax, Alan, The Land where The Blues Began, NY: Pantheon, 1993, p.14.

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  32. #120
    Registered User Randi Gormley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Ha! the version I heard was 'why don't they switch to C natural and resolve the discussion?"
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  34. #121
    Some Ability - No Talent MikeZito's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    I am currently in the process of recording a new album (very likely will not be done until next year) and have decided that I am going to TRY to take a bunch of these jokes and record them as transition cuts between some of the songs.

    Unfortunately, my albums sell very, very poorly (kind of matches my playing skills), so don't be expecting big royalty checks . . . but if the jokes end up being used on the album, I will mention Mandolin Cafe in the credits.

  35. #122
    Registered User Ranald's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by MikeZito View Post
    I am currently in the process of recording a new album (very likely will not be done until next year) and have decided that I am going to TRY to take a bunch of these jokes and record them as transition cuts between some of the songs.

    Unfortunately, my albums sell very, very poorly (kind of matches my playing skills), so don't be expecting big royalty checks . . . but if the jokes end up being used on the album, I will mention Mandolin Cafe in the credits.
    WARNING: Jokes on albums wear thin quickly. It's like when a five year old tells you the same joke twenty times then wonders why you don't laugh like you did the first time.
    Robert Johnson's mother, describing blues musicians:
    "I never did have no trouble with him until he got big enough to be round with bigger boys and off from home. Then he used to follow all these harp blowers, mandoleen (sic) and guitar players."
    Lomax, Alan, The Land where The Blues Began, NY: Pantheon, 1993, p.14.

  36. #123
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What's the difference between a harmonica player and a viola player?
    The harmonica player only sucks half the time!
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

  37. #124
    Registered User Gunnar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What do you call a violinist who can never find perfect intonation?
    A pro!
    Mandolin: Kentucky KM150
    Other instruments: way too many, and yet, not nearly enough.

    "Imagine life without mandolin. Now slap yourself! Never do it again!" -Gunnar Salyer

  38. #125
    Mangler of Tunes OneChordTrick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ranald View Post
    WARNING: Jokes on albums wear thin quickly. It's like when a five year old tells you the same joke twenty times then wonders why you don't laugh like you did the first time.
    Totally agree, I’ve even gone to the extent of editing out the spoken parts when they get too annoying on some tracks in my collection.

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