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Thread: Musician Jokes

  1. #51
    Martin Stillion mrmando's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. It's better if you keep them in the dark.
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  3. #52
    Registered User Randi Gormley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    How can you tell if there's a ceili band at the door? They knock three times and all come in together ...
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  4. #53
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Two banjo players walked into a bar, the mandolin player ducked......
    ntriesch

  5. #54

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    In the summer of 1977 I was sitting with some friends on the grass outside a pub. It was called the Ferry boat in Cambridgeshire but that’s not a joke. And Tom arrived and he looked serious. I said what’s wrong? He said John’s just bought an electric guitar.
    Great! we all shouted together.
    Tom said, it would be great but, well I mean he loves it, and he goes completely manic, crazy on stage all over the place, but the problem is it’s a Gibson.
    We said we were really sorry about that, and then there was an awkward silence. Then someone said, well why did you tell us he bought a guitar then? Getting our hopes up like that.
    Another long silence and we drank our beer in a sort of melancholy way.
    Then someone else asked, well when he plays, what does it sound like?
    Tom grimaced, hesitated and said it’s shameless. It sounds like two monkeys screaming and howling and wrestling with each other, falling over trying to have sex. He plays with a Gibbon, get it?
    (True story)

  6. #55
    Oval holes are cool David Lewis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    So the piano player says to the singer ‘tonight during girl from ipananema I want you to start in G. And the 4 bars in you modulate to F#. Then at the chorus modulate to Ab minor and sing it in 5/4. The go to G# and sing the second verse in 6/8. Finally for the last verse and chorus I want you to sing it in 7/8 and in the key of A major and C#minor swapping bar to bar.



    The singer says ‘I can’t do that!’

    The pianist says ‘dunno why. That’s what you did last night... ‘
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  8. #56
    Some Ability - No Talent MikeZito's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What was the last thing the drummer said before he got fired from the band?

    'I've written this song, and I think we should do it.'

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  10. #57

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by David Lewis View Post
    So the piano player says to the singer 'tonight during girl from ipananema I want you to start in G. And the 4 bars in you modulate to F#. Then at the chorus modulate to Ab minor and sing it in 5/4. The go to G# and sing the second verse in 6/8. Finally for the last verse and chorus I want you to sing it in 7/8 and in the key of A major and C#minor swapping bar to bar.

    The singer says 'I can't do that!'

    The pianist says 'dunno why. That’s what you did last night... '
    Ha! Good one. I've seen the reverse too, where the piano player keeps randomly changing the timing/rhythm for no reason, and the poor singers have to scramble to try to keep up. I've even seen several instances of a piano player doing unexpected middle-of-the-song key changes just to be cool, without bothering to first inform the singers (who are reading from sheet music and aren't accustomed to just winging it without practicing beforehand).

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  12. #58
    Registered User EvanElk's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What is the difference between a banjo player and god?

    God doesn't think he's a banjo player.

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  14. #59
    not a donut Kevin Winn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Love this thread...

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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    How do you know if the stage is level?

    The drummer's drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

    (Told to me by one of my favorite drummers.

  16. #61

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A bass player and a banjo player have been friends for a long time and want to start a band. They put out an ad but only get one reply. This guy walks in for the audition and says he’s a pianist. A what? says the banjo player. The pianist explains for about an hour and then the bass player says gotcha, but what can you do? The pianist holds up his fine long fingered hands and says with the left hand I can play everything you can play but better, with the right hand I can play everything the banjo player can play but better.
    And you can forgot about singing. I’ll be doing that.

  17. #62
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by John Flynn View Post
    How many musicians does it take to resolve a thread asking a question about changing a string?

    1 answers the question posted by the OP.
    6 share their experiences in string changing and methods of replacing strings.
    1 posts to complain because the OP didn't do a search for "changing strings" before asking his question.
    3 warn that changing strings is dangerous, you can poke your finger.
    1 corrects the grammar in another post.
    1 complains that people should not complain about grammar on a message board.
    1 requests the thread to be moved to the "equipment forum".
    1 posts a joke about string changing.
    3 others follow up and post more jokes.
    1 brags that he changes strings every week.
    1 says that discussing changing strings every week may offend people who can’t afford to do that.
    1 posts that old strings should be recycled.
    3 others argue about the pros and cons of string recycling.
    6 argue about the best place to buy strings, the best way to change them, and which brand of strings are best.


    7 link to sites where you can see various strings.
    1 says that some of the links don't work and that "here's the right link".
    1 sorts the previous posts and compiles one big text and add their own opinion at the end.
    3 post to talk about gadgets they use to change strings.
    3 post that the gadgets don't work
    1 claims he is leaving the forum forever because he can't stand the thread.
    4 suggest the board start an FAQ on strings and their changing.
    2 request a new forum called "string forum".
    1 claims that the physics principle of cold fusion was meant just for this.
    6 argue about coated v. non-coated strings
    1 person posts complete and utter nonsense that has nothing to do with the thread.
    That's why I love Mandolin Cafe

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  19. #63

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Banjo player and the fiddler in a bluegrass band are having a real nasty argument, the band leader interupts and asks what the problem is, the banjo player points at the fiddler and says it's his fault, he de-tuned one of my strings and won't tell me which one.

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  21. #64
    F5G & MD305 Astro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Did you hear the one about the Bluegrass band that did so well they were able to quit their day jobs?
    ...yeah no one else has either.
    No matter where I go, there I am...Unless I'm running a little late.

  22. #65
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Did you hear the one about the grunge band that finally realized they were so bad they would have to get a day job?
    ...yeah no one else has either.
    No matter where I go, there I am...Unless I'm running a little late.

  23. #66

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Banjo player and a fiddler are having an argument.
    The fiddler says he can’t stand it because the banjo player plays all the time.
    Banjo player says, No! It’s you who plays all the time!
    I only play 8 times a measure!
    Last edited by atsunrise; Jun-25-2019 at 8:09am.

  24. #67

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    The new management team of an extremely big guitar manufacturing company are all sitting around a table on a yacht in the Bahamas, laughing. This friendly sort of guy arrives on a boat and an executive says, ‘come over and sit down. We have a proposition for you’.
    The friendly guy’s a bit nervous and says, ‘What are we talking about?’
    ‘A big bundle of money, be very famous and have everyone talk about you every day of the week. How does that sound to you?’
    The friendly guy says, ‘why that sounds pretty sweet, what do I have to do?
    The executives continue laughing and one of them says, ‘you do a video where you make outrageous subjective claims about American Music History. You post the video and then just 2 or 3 days later you delete the video.’
    The guy replies, ‘is that it? That’s all? Is this some kind of joke?’
    Now the executives are rolling over laughing, ‘I guess it is!’

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  26. #68
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

    And a sort of riff on one that's probably already been posted:
    How do you get a drummer off your porch?
    Pay for the pizza.
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  28. #69
    Celtic Strummer Matt DeBlass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    A lot of my favorites are already on here, but:

    Why do singers make such terrible roommates?
    They can never find the key and they don't know when they're supposed to come in anyway.

    Throw a guitarist and a mandolinist off a cliff, who hits the ground first?
    The guitarist, the mandolin player has to stop halfway through and tune

    What chord do you get when you drop a piano into a hole in the ground?
    A flat miner

    A C, an E-flat and a G walk into the bar, the bartender says, "get outta here, we don't serve minors."

    Did you hear about the operatic soprano who became a pirate?
    She was the scourge of the high Cs

    John Cage walks into a bar...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    If I call my guitar my "axe," does that mean my mandolin is my hatchet?

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  30. #70
    Americana in France? Daniel Nestlerode's Avatar
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What did the trombone player say at his first gig?
    "Do you want fries with that?"

    Did you hear the one about the bass player who tried to commit suicide because he couldn't keep time? Yep, threw himself behind a train.


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  32. #71

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    What do you call 5 bodhrans on the bottom of the sea ? a good start.

    Dave H
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  33. #72

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Austin Bob View Post
    What's the best way to tune a banjo? Wire cutters.

    How do you keep someone from stealing you mandolin? Keep it in a viola case.

    How do you get the lead guitar player to turn down his amp? Put sheet music in front of him.

    How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb? Not sure, no one ever watches the choir director.

    What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.
    Last two are terrific. Will keep me smiling all day.

  34. #73

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if this one was already shared.

    Question: What's the difference between a dog lying dead in the road and a banjo player lying dead in the road?
    Answer: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

  35. #74

    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    Q, what is the difference between a 5 string banjo and a trampoline ?

    A, you take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

    Q. what is the difference between a 5 string banjo and a Harley-Davidson ?

    A. you can tune a Harley-Davidson.

    Dave H
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  36. #75
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    Default Re: Musician Jokes

    We're at the point of repeating now.

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