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Thread: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

  1. #1
    Registered User jim_n_virginia's Avatar
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    Default Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Sometimes I'll tell a joke or two when we are out playing somewhere. Folks at the nursing homes seem to like a good joke. Mine are getting kind of stale so I need to learn a few new ones. Anybody got any good ones?

    Remember this is a family site with Grandma's rules!

    Here's one of my favorites.

    Q: What's the difference between an old fiddler and a mangy dog?

    A: The mangy dog KNOWS when to stop scratching!

  2. #2

    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

    A Flat Miner.


  3. #3

    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    My wife says: "If you play that tune one more time, I will leave you....."
    God, I'm gonna miss that woman.....
    But Amsterdam was always good for grieving
    And London never fails to leave me blue
    And Paris never was my kinda town
    So I walked around with the Ft. Worth Blues

  4. #4

    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Me playing any form of music

  5. #5
    Registered User Ron Landis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Three musicians and a drummer walk into a bar..
    Ba-doomp-Chiiiiing.

  6. #6
    In The Van Ben Milne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Ron... i would blame the lighting rigger for hanging the bar too low, and also wonder why there wasn't a stagehand with a flashlight ensuring that the band's thoroughfare was safe. says something about drummers though... after 3 musicians didn't see it...

    if you call the drummer in earlier, they do come in handy for levelling the stage though... plus if you borrow a set of their sticks and leave them on the dash you get priority parking...

  7. #7
    Studies dead guys. Mandoviol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Well, let's see here...

    What's the tonal range on a bass trombone?
    ON and OFF.

    What do you get when you play blues music backwards?
    Your dog doesn't run away, your woman comes back, and you don't wake up in the morning.

    What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
    New Age music.

    That's all I've got for now...a lot of viola jokes, but we shant mention them here...
    "When I heard what Socrates had done on the lyre, I wished indeed even [I had done] that...but certainly I labored hard in letters!" - Cicero, "Cato the Elder on Old Age"
    Weber Gallatin Mahogany F
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    1910 German Stradivarius 1717 copy, unknown maker
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  8. #8
    jbmando RIP HK Jim Broyles's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Blues Man's epitaph: "Didn't wake up this morning."

    Why is there a girl singer just standing at the door? She can't find her key and doesn't know when to come in.

    What do you call two saxophones playing in unison? A minor second.

    How did the trombone player start getting better gas mileage in his car? He took the Domino's sign off the roof.
    "I thought I knew a lot about music. Then you start digging and the deeper you go, the more there is."~John Mellencamp

    "Theory only seems like rocket science when you don't know it. Once you understand it, it's more like plumbing!"~John McGann

    "IT'S T-R-E-M-O-L-O, dangit!!"~Me

  9. #9
    Registered User Ivan Kelsall's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Q) What do you call someone who can't play the Banjo ?.
    A) A Mandolin player !. (please put that gun away !!)

    A Mandolin player & a Banjo player are both due to be shot at sunrise.The guard asks them if they have any last requests. The Mandolin player says "please let me play 'Rawhide' one more time", the Banjo player says "please shoot me first" ( please,please put that gun down !).

    A thing you never hear anybody say "Hey,look at the Banjo players Cadillac !"

    Q) Why is a Banjo like a hand grenade ?
    A) By the time you hear the noise,it's too late.

    No offence meant - i play both Banjo & Mandolin & have been the butt of many sacrastic (but joking - i hope !) remarks,
    Ivan
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    Registurd User pjlama's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    What's the difference between a large pizza and a guitar player?

    A large pizza can feed a family of four.
    PJ
    Stanley V5

  11. #11
    Registered User sbarnes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    how do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
    put some music in front of him

    what's the range of a viola?
    about 30 yards if you kick it hard enough

    what's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
    it takes the bassoon twice as long to burn in the fireplace

    how many mandolin players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    2 - one to change the bulb and one to say 'that's not the way monroe would have done it.....

  12. #12
    Studies dead guys. Mandoviol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Why is a mandobass better than a mandolin?
    Mandobasses burn longer.

    This is a variant on an old joke about violas and cellos...
    "When I heard what Socrates had done on the lyre, I wished indeed even [I had done] that...but certainly I labored hard in letters!" - Cicero, "Cato the Elder on Old Age"
    Weber Gallatin Mahogany F
    19th Century Ferrari(?) Bowlback
    Early 20th Century British Mandoline-Banjo & Deering Goodtime Tenor
    1960s Harmony Baritone Ukelele
    The Magic Fluke Flea Soprano Ukelele (in 5ths!)
    1910 German Stradivarius 1717 copy, unknown maker
    1890(?) German Stradivarius 1725 copy, G.A. Pfreztschner, maker

  13. #13

    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Q. what do you call a banjo player in a suit ?

    A. the defendant.

    Whats the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson ?

    you can tune a Harley.

    Dave H
    Eastman 615 mandola
    2011 Weber Bitteroot A5
    2012 Weber Bitteroot F5
    Eastman MD 915V
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    2016 Capek ' Bob ' standard scale tenor banjo
    Ibanez Artist 5 string
    2001 Paul Shippey oval hole

  14. #14
    Registered User John Flynn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Q: Why do bagpipers like to march when they play?

    A: To try to get away from the noise!

  15. #15

    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    a guy goes to the doctor after having hand surgery for a serious injury. He says to the dr 'do you think I will be able to play mandolin?' and the dr replies 'I think so, yes I dont se why not your hand had healed remarkably' He says 'thats good I couldnt do that before/
    Craig

  16. #16
    Registered User Dan Hoover's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Q: How can you tell when the drummers riser is level?

    A: When drool comes out both sides of his mouth...
    "Enjoy every sandwich." Warren Zevon

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    Celtic Strummer Matt DeBlass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    What's the difference between a mountain dulcimer and hammered dulcimer? Hammered dulcimer burns longer, mountain dulcimer burns hotter.

    How do you know there's a drummer at your door? The knocking speeds up.
    How do you get the drummer off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.

    My old standby line is still "you know folks, I'd try to be funnier, but I've only got two jokes. One is my singing voice, and that was the other one."
    If I call my guitar my "axe," does that mean my mandolin is my hatchet?

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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    So this bluegrass band goes to Mexico, and is arrested for playing bluegrass music after dark, which is apparently a crime there. Justice being swift in Mexico, they are quickly sentenced and next morning at dawn, they find themselves before a firing squad.

    El Capitan marches out the mandolin player, blindfolds him, and stands him up against a stone wall. "Ready..., Aim...," but before he can utter another syllable, the mandolin player yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" All the soldiers drop their rifles and hit the deck spread-eagled, waiting for the tremor. The mandolin player whips off the blindfold and leaps over the wall and escapes to freedom.

    Now El Capitan is some PO'd! But, uindeterred, he marches out the guitar player, blindfolds him, and once more marshals his troops. "Ready..., Aim....," But the guitar player yells, "FLOOD!" and the soldiers all look around expecting to see a rushing wall of water! The guitar player, too, escapes over the wall to freedom.

    By now El Capitan is seething! So he marches out the banjo player and blindfolds him. The banjo player is unafraid; he's been watching what's been going on and thinks he has spotted a definite pattern here... Once more El Capitan lines up his squad. "Ready..., Aim...,"

    And the banjo player yells, "FIRE!!"

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  20. #19
    String-Bending Heretic mandocrucian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    What do a call a musician without a wife or girl friend?

    Homeless

    (Actually, this isn't so much a "joke" as it is an ironic admission of the reality of the biz.)

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    Registered User alanz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Three musical instruments are sitting in a bar and, after a few drinks, they begin boasting.

    "I don't want to brag," says the first, "but I'm a drum. And drums, as I'm sure you know, were the first instruments in the history of the world, used not only for music but also for long range communication and even to motivate soldiers in a time of war. Just about every style of music uses drums of some sort -- hell, there probably wouldn't even be music it if wasn't for us."

    "Drums are great, if you only want to play one note," the second instrument cuts in. "But as piano, I have 88 keys to choose from. Most of the great classical music was written with me in mind, and even today my cousin, the keyboard, is central to the creation of modern music."

    "Don't talk to me about modern music," scoffs the third instrument. "I'm a guitar, and while you old-timers may have been big in your day, it's the 21st century now. And it's guitars like me that have made rock & roll the most popular music in the world today."

    The second instrument sizes up the third skeptically, and then says "What are you talking about? You're not a guitar, you're nothing but a small harp."

    And the third instrument leaps off of his stool and shouts, "Are you calling me a lyre?!"
    Big Muddy M-0W, AlanZ/DonK built Octave #1, Ovation MCS148, Martin Backpacker

  22. #21
    Registered Loser blawson's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

    No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
    /* no comment */

  23. #22
    Celtic Strummer Matt DeBlass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    Oh HARP jokes...

    A great composer, after a lifetime of decadence and debauchery dies and goes to the Bad Place. When he arrives he is treated well and sits down to dinner with the Devil, who is by all accounts a gracious host. After dinner, the Devil shows him his room. Inside are 1,001 musicians, each playing a harp.
    The composer looks at his host and says, "wait, I'm in Hell, I thought they played harps in heaven."
    The Devil smiles and replies, "ah yes, but Maestro, we've also given you perfect pitch."

    More on drummers:

    A drummer decides he's tired of being picked on by musicians, and he's going to learn to play other instruments. He goes into his local music store and goes up to the counter. He says "I need a pack of light gauge guitar strings, and I want to buy that cool looking red trumpet and that accordion too," he adds pointing.
    "Well," says the owner, "here's your guitar strings, and I guess I can sell you the fire extinguisher, but the radiator is bolted to the wall."
    If I call my guitar my "axe," does that mean my mandolin is my hatchet?

    Breedlove Quartz KF
    Kit Built Oval Hole
    Martin 000M
    Highland Harp

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  24. #23
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?....lipstick...
    What's the difference between a sensitive singer/songwriter and a puppy?...eventually the puppy stops whining...

  25. #24
    Registered User Charley wild's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    An explorer is staying with a remote tribe in the Amazon. Night and day he's hearing a loud drum. It's driving him crazy. He asks the chief, "Why is this drum pounding going on! It never quits, it driving me nuts"! The chief answers,"Can't stop drum"! A couple days later the explorer is just about to lose it and he begging the chief to stop the drum. The chief just says, "Can't stop drum"! The explorer is frantic. "Why, WHY can't can't you stop the drum"? The chief says, "Drum stop, then bass solo".

  26. #25
    Destroyer of Mandolins
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    Default Re: Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

    One day a C, an Eb, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve minors here".
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