Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

[mandroid]

one of the favorites :

Q, why do mandolins have 8 strings??

A, to increase the odds that one of them is in tune.

[Jim MacDaniel]

Q: How do you stop a Bluegrass musician from playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of them.

Q: How do you stop a Classical musician from playing?
A: Take away their sheet music.

[Steve Ostrander]

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[mrmando]

Q. How many bluegrass mandolin players does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. One to do it and 99 to say, "That ain't the way Bill done it."

Q. How many sopranos does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. One to stand there and hold it while the rest of the world revolves around her.

[journeybear]

(Apologies to those whose favorite instrument is included here; this is how I heard it, and when you tell it vary the list to suit yourself.)

Q: If you throw a banjo, a set of bagpipes, an accordion, and a trombone off the roof of a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares, as long as they all do!

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
A: The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer ever says to his band?
A: Hey guys, how 'bout we try some of my songs?

Johnny says to his mom, "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
Mom says, "But Johnny, you can't do both."

[Luke C]

Q:How can you tell when there's a drummer at your door?

A:The knocking keeps speeding up and slowing down.

[nick a]

ok, time to pick on some bass players...

how many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. one, but the guitarist has to show him how to do it...
2. none, the keyboardist will just do it with his left hand...
3. thats ok, well just leave it out, nobody will notice...

and my favorite banjo joke as told by david grier...

whats the difference between a banjo and a vacuum cleaner???
its easy to get the dirtbag off of a vacuum cleaner....

[Dan Hoover]

Q - How do you confuse a bass player?

A - Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!

[Dan Hoover]

Q - Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?

A - It took two hours to get the drummer out.

[nick a]

another favorite....

how do you know the toothbrush was invented by a banjo player???

it it was anybody else, it would be called a "teethbrush"

[Ronny Stecher]

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one," confessed the musician. "In that case, you'll have to accompany me." "Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What song we doing?"

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Q: Why is it good that Bagpipers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their chairs

[mandopete]

<updated for the 21st century>

Q: What's the definition of a optimist?

A: A trombone player with a Facebook account.

[mrmando]

Q: If you throw a banjo, a set of bagpipes, an accordion, and a trombone off the roof of a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares, as long as they all do!

Shouldn't that be, "Who cares, as long as they all land on a drummer?"?

[Eddie Sheehy]

Definition of Perfect Pitch:

The sound a banjo makes when it lands on an accordion in a dumpster...

What's the difference between a deer and a banjo player run over by a truck?

Chances are the deer was on his way to a gig...

[Mandoviol]

From MIT's Instrument Jokes Page (I kid you not, it exists). Apologies if your instrument of choice happens to be listed here. These are all in the spirit of good fun.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

In the 22nd century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.

And now a bunch of gratuitous viola jokes:

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Okay, I'm good for the next few days....

[Austin Koerner]

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1, 5, 1, 5.....

[Austin Koerner]

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1, 5, 1, 5.....

[DougC]

You know, I invented 'Air Guitar".
No, really? No kidding?
Yea, one day my instructor got so mad, he removed the strings.
I didn't even notice...

[hattio]

What's the definition of a minor second? Two pennywhistles playing in unison.
What's the definition of a minor third? Two banjos playing in unison.

[Ronny Stecher]

What's the difference between a deer and a banjo player run over by a truck?
...

Skid marks in front of the deer?

[Matt DeBlass]

Definition of foolish optimism: A trombone player with a business card.

[JMUSIC]

A band is on stage, what's going through their heads....
Guitar player..."man I am great, look at all of the guys watch me shred..
Lead singer...I am so sexy, look at the chicks all watch me, which one do I pick tonight..
Drummer...hope I get a ride home and a place to stay tonight..
Bass player...G,D, G, D, G,D, G, D

[JeffD]

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.

---Alfred Hitchcock

[mandopete]

Okay, this is a true story. Many of you here know that John Reischman has a pretty dead-pan sense of humor. A few years back he was leading a jam session up at the Sorrento bluegrass workshop. A gal was playing an open-backed banjo when she noticed that a spider had crawled inside the banjo. When she saw the spider she screamed "there's a spider in my banjo!".

Without missing a beat Reischman replyed, "Keep playing - you'll kill it."

[Nick Triesch]

Little boy asks his Mom if anyone in the family is musical? Mom replies that she thinks his uncle Ray plays the mandolin. Then she turns to him and says "No Son, no one in the family is musical!"