How do you politely decline joining a band?

[Ky Slim]

I have started going to a new jam recently and have been asked to join up with a band. I enjoy the vein of bluegrass/gospel this group does (old Stanley Bros stuff) but I am just not ready to commit to a schedule of shows and practices etc. The bandleader is a very nice old guy and quite a singer and entertainer. I'm afraid that if I don't handle this right I will have to quit going to this jam which has promise as a place for me to learn and improve without the pressure of performing.

[darrylicshon]

Just tell them the truth, you can't commit that much time right now , maybe later

[sunburst]

Seems to me you could just say something like: "I am just not ready to commit to a schedule of shows and practices etc.".

[MikeEdgerton]

I was going to say just tell them "I am just not ready to commit to a schedule of shows and practices etc." but John beat me to it.

[journeybear]

That really is just fine. It gives them an unassailable reason for your disinterest without making it necessary to explain further, which could possibly get uncomfortable if they were to press you. I doubt they will. That would show a lack of class, and in that case, you really would be better off without them. You could add "right now" or "at this time," but it could be taken as a bit haughty, and it isn't necessary anyway.

[zedmando]

Just tell them the truth, you can't commit that much time right now , maybe later

The truth, stated politely in a courteous manner is a always a good idea.
Especially as the reason here is more time commitment, not something else--so if that ever changes & they're looking for someone, they don't exclude you as a possibility

[Ivan Kelsall]

I'd simply do as the other folks have advised you to do,politely decline saying exactly what you said to us - but keep your options open to join them if you have a re-think about it,
Ivan

[John Kelly]

Just as everyone is suggesting, but maybe add that you are very pleased that they feel you are at a standard where you could join them as a band. It's always flattering to get an invite from fellow players.

[Ky Slim]

I called the guy today on my lunch to chat about it and he was very understanding. He really appreciated that I was being up front as he has had some experience with players that agreed to play but stopped showing up and answering calls. As John Kelly said, it's flattering to be asked to play and I feel a little more confident about my playing now. I'm also glad that no bridges were burned.
Thanks for the advice and support, Matt Scofield

[Jeff Hildreth]

When declining, throw a bone..
Begin by saying...
"Thank you for the offer, I would realy like to do it.."
This puts you on their side.
Then decline with an honest reason.

[9lbShellhamer]

Glad to hear it turned out well!

[allenhopkins]

I woulda said I was in the witness protection program, and couldn't afford the national publicity that comes with playing bluegrass.

But, then, situations like that bring forth my latent idiocy.

[jim simpson]

It's much worse to commit to a band then realize that you made a mistake. Harder to extricate oneself after the fact.

[mingusb1]

Saying "I can't stand the Stanleys!" could have worked, but it sounds like you got it covered.

Z

[Willie Poole]

I met a great dobro player one time and asked him to join my group and he said his job and family life did not allow him time to join a band and commit to a schedule and I understood that, I have never ask anyone to put music ahead of their family or health, he also said that maybe in time but I have never heard from him after all of these years, about 8 now...

Glad it worked out for you but it is a great experience to play in a group if and when you have time and feel that you have progressed enough to do a good job of it...Myself I have declined offers to join bands that travel long ways to festivals etc and I just couldn`t see myself trying to take time from my job that I had then and to be away from raising my family so I just kept a band playing for local establishments...

Willie

[Tom C]

I play in a band that practices once a week. Another night I would go to another friends house to pick. Soon they gave us a name and started booking an occasional gig even though we had minimal if any harmony singing. Fearing conflicts and just not having the time to practice and learn new tunes for both bands, I had to tell the second band I can not do it any more for the exact reasons I stated. They got another mando player that sings harmony too so it was a win-win. I'm still invited to pick with them as we are friends first.

[Billgrass]

Such wisdom! Do you guys give marital advice, too?

[terzinator]

Such wisdom! Do you guys give marital advice, too?

Ya, as long as the number of cases stays the same, yer good.

[Isaac Revard]

Or you could have told them you were on house arrest.

[SincereCorgi]

Whoah whoah whoah- did you at least find out what it pays?

[smokinop]

You could tell them that with the tens & tens of dollars you will be making, it would drastically affect your tax status.

Seriously, glad this worked out for you. Honesty is will always be the best route take.

[Timbofood]

Better to be upfront about anytime "Playing" becomes stressful. The bulk of my band have been together for forty some years, the bass players have changed but, the three of us have always been honest with each other. About all the aspects of band "business".
We have had maybe eight bass players, some have simply moved but some have decided that they needed to make a "stand" about something which has been normal for all the years and suddenly they stopped showing up and that was the end of that, one stiffed out the morning of a show we had done for twenty years. He called the other guys but, not me. That isn't my point really but, if you cannot commit to something make that clear before the morning of a show!
Not joining is one thing, giving your band members the air with no warning is tacky. Show class no matter how you deal with it.

[journeybear]

Right. Generally speaking, politeness counts. Manners, consideration, kindness - these are good qualities to use in dealing with others. Sadly, they are often overlooked, or just plain ignored, among band members. Some of the rudest behavior I have ever encountered has been from these people, with whom I have shared numerous good times, conversations, and even personal secrets over what may have been considerable lengths of time. It's baffling how all this can go out the window without warning, or for that matter, explanation or apparent reason. Maybe they feel empowered by the accumulated intimacy, I dunno. But if that's the case, they should also bear in mind the pleasantry and respect of the previous interactions. Assuming that's the pattern, of course, but speaking for myself, that's generally how I've behaved. The Golden Rule is a real good rule of thumb.

[banjoboy]

What's more difficult is asking an existing band member to leave the band. How have you folks handled that one?

[allenhopkins]

What's more difficult is asking an existing band member to leave the band. How have you folks handled that one?

I did it once -- bass player was a bit of a weirdo, had tendencies to speed everything up. We found a better player, who could also sing harmonies and had a bunch more experience. I went over to Bob's house, and said that the other band members -- actually, just the two of us, Nancy and I -- had decided that we needed a different sound in the band, and had asked Dan to join us.

Bob took it well, wasn't visibly upset. He continued to gig on and off with others. The band was strictly part-time, and we all had "day jobs" so there weren't a lot of jobs, or a great deal of money, involved.

I was careful not to critique Bob's playing -- never said he wasn't a good musician, or mentioned his erratic timekeeping. Nancy, always risk-averse, wasn't willing to come with me and talk to Bob, but I felt we had to make a change, and she agreed. Band stuck together for maybe three more years, adding other musicians from time to time, subtracting them when they moved on of their own volition, and I guess the "firing" was handled as well as we could do it.