Quotes from conductors

**jmcgann** · Dec-11-2007, 8:51pm

Actual conductor quotes

"I try not to look, because then I see."
"Terrible rhythmic training. Why don't you kill all your teachers and get your money back?"
"Play slow enough to be exact."
"Basses, you're like a Chinese wife; you're always a little behind."
"It's eleganza—you sound like Woolworth's."
'Under no circumstances should anyone look at me here."
"For that they have milking machines."
"If you won't watch, I won't listen."
"I'll try to spit equally in both directions so every-one will know where we are."
"Play in a kind of Friday-matinee style."
"Look artistic when you play that."
"It's very important to play your phrase the way it is."
"Too loud cellos. And don't throb there."
"Try and simulate non-sight-reading."
"The horm is still unwinding his entrails there."
"PIease don't use the depth charge pizzicato."
"I know you're all very well brought up, but don't show ~ (Stomps feet) "I won t clean up my room"
(On La Valse) "If Parsifal could waltz, this would be it."
(To cellos) "You sound like your fingers are doing the walking through the Yellow Pages."
"Play short. Especially if you don't know where you are."
"Violins, don't play like such pigs."
"Better to be slow than quick."
"It says accelerando. It's not like falling down stairs."
"Play that for your dogs and cats. When they stop howling, you've got it right."
"It doesn't need to be good, it just needs to be loud."
"You should play a soft forte."
"It sounds like you're being goosed there, which isn't the idea of a real orgy"
"If that happens. Don't laugh."
"We're starting at bar three. Even those of you with all your fingers cut off can find it."
"Play as if you were accompanying John Denver."
"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them."
"Play as if you were musicians."
"Look busy at the beginning."
"It sounds like an Italian Strawberry Festival."
"Try not to sound like Segovia."
"Play faster, it's getting late."
"Basses. You're too ####ing loud."
" If you can't play the notes. Play the accents."
"It sounds like killer bees on the loose.''
"The downbeat has to be up."
"You all sound like a Wallgreen's Drug Store. I'll have a cherry frappe."
"Imagine that you know what l'm going to do."
"It must be very soft. Play as if you're lost."
"It's sort of yo-ho-ho, a little bit."
"Violas, let your true piggish sides come out."
"This piece is all based on harmony, so we have to hit the right notes."
"Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up."
'Triangle, not so much in the loud section. Don't join in on the fun."
(In Beethoven's 6th) "My God, it's a brook, not the ocean. I'm getting seasick."
"Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now."
"Above all, don't look worried."
"It's a little bit note-sniffing right now."
"It sounds as if you're all doing your income taxes.
"Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion."
"You sound as if you hate music."
''Look like you re playing long after you've given up."
"I may do something artistic there which means I'm going to drag."
"Violins, don't try to play, the accent, just try to get through the part without dropping your bows."
"Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do."
(In Pathetique first mvt.) "It sounds like everybody has already committed suicide."
"Definitely third-world."
"Stings, vibrate, you sound like storm troopers."
"Your tone sounds like the weather outside."
"It's half-good."
"Win the war with violas.'
"Trumpets, you're honorary violas."
"Not so bright. It sounds like Orpheus in his underwear"
"Don't make those chicken sounds before the beat."
"Don't hop! Chickens"
"I'll try not to make the really distracting twitch before your B double-flat."
"Sounds like something you read in the Enquirer"
"Don't follow the pizzicatos. They're just going plop--cowpies."
"Pianissimo means,' 'Drop the #### out."'
"Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way."
"It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like that.
"You won't be able to get this in time, but at least we can get so you don't #### it up."
"It's a place you can fake, but fake softer."
"When I make the really big twitch, then play."
"Make a lot of sound, an ugly, loud sound. Hostile."
"Let's pretend we played that right and go to letter A."
"It sounds like a singer being drowned."
"Play it as if you had good rhythm, instead of what you have."
"It s not going to be a nice tempo, whatever it is."
'It's no use telling the violas, they won't do it anyway."
"That's a laser sound. A killer trill."
"This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother."
"You know there's a fine line between artistry and ####. Not that what you're doing is ####, but it's close to it!'
"That was a drive-by viola solo."
"Don't be so sensitive."
"Try and get the non-torpedo-boat sound."
"The place where you will be shot if you come in early in the bar before 6."
"Don't express your hatred for your parents there.
"You'd kill your students for doing that, so don't do it yourself."
"The downbeat's the downbeat."
Imagine you have tone."
"I'm not doing much at the beginning of the measure, but I'm going to beat it and get very excited."
You sound like Palestinians throwing rocks."
"Let's pretend we did that right and go to letter H "
"Try vibrato in case you don t make the D-sharp."
"Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally."
Pretend you took the parts home and practiced them."
"I'm going to be very flexible, and that means you won't have a clue as to what's going to happen "
"Think of a nice sound. And then imitate your thought. If you can't think of a nice sound ask your neighbor"
"Why did you take up the violin if you don't want to play it?"
"If you get desperate I'11 even help you there. "
"You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I"
''Funny how it sounds so different every time.

**John Craton** · Dec-12-2007, 10:27pm

Thanks for sharing these, John. In my experience I've found that conductors (and violists) provide us with the best sources of humor, whether intended or not. These are great!

**phunkyphiddle** · Dec-12-2007, 10:47pm

I'm a violist and I thought one of the few places I would be safe from viola comments was the Cafe:

: For better or worse, though, I do agree with you, John. This is why I'm also a mando player:D Great quotes!

**Neil Gladd** · Dec-12-2007, 11:04pm

A couple more from High School band directors (the first was from mine):

"You play like a bunch of namby-pambies!"
"English horn player, have you ever been in love? Well, you don't sound like it!"

**JeffD** · Jan-10-2008, 1:01pm

I played bassoon in orchestra in high school. Those autocratic, sarcastic, insulting, downright mean conductors consistently put my gutchies in a knot. I hated that part. Shame too, because I loved the music.

**Paul Kotapish** · Jan-10-2008, 3:39pm

Sir Thomas Beecham, the flamboyant English conductor, is the source of some of my favorite quotes:

“Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory.”

“Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it”

“A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.”

“Try everything once except folk dancing and incest.”

“Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.”

“There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.”

“I have just been all round the world and have formed a very poor opinion of it.”

“If an opera cannot be played by an organ grinder, it's not going to achieve immortality.”

“Composers should write tunes that chauffeurs and errand boys can whistle.”

“The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.”

**Neil Gladd** · Jan-10-2008, 4:19pm

Beecham also described my other favorite instrument, the harpsichord, as "Two skeletons fornicating on a tin roof".

**billkilpatrick** · Jan-10-2008, 6:32pm

i think it was beecham who also said that a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipe but doesn't.

a wicked quote i once gleaned from a long forgotten bbc program was attributed to a violinist (i think) shortly after wwII who stood up and left a rehearsal conducted by von karajan saying (something to the effect that ...) "i've just spent the last four years fighting people like you and i've had enough."