A Somber Thought

[AndSoItBegandolin]

Well folks, I hate to say it and I almost feel strange asking for some advice on the subject, but my grandmothers health is declining.

It had been a couple years since I had last seen her until this month. It was a real wake up call. I came to terms with the fact that I need to start preparing for the loss of a dearly loved family member. Let me say now that she has lived a long and wonderful life, but as will be all of our fates one day, the end of her path on Earth is nearing.

I have decided that I am at an age in life now that I feel I should say something about this wonderful woman in her wake. She meant a lot to me throughout my life and has been one of the few and lasting constants through my years.

I feel like I want to play a song for her on my mandolin but am having a lot of difficulty deciding which song it should be. Again, it may seem a bit strange for me to be asking complete strangers for advice on this topic as my relationship with my family is so personal, but I would value the input of the common people.

I was thinking of Bob Dylan's Tomorrow is a Long Time as a possibility but I'm not sure if its too sad. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks in advance...

[Mike Bunting]

Wayfaring Stranger or Angel band are two good ones.
This is very thoughtful of you, celebrate her life and being and be a constant in the lives of your family and others.

[Jim]

I think playing for your grandmother is a wonderful Idea and a fine way to express deep sentiment. I have no Idea what you should play. Do you play for her now while she is still here? If so play something she likes. If you don't and her living and health situations allow, consider it. I'm not familiar with the Dylan piece but if it says what you feel then go with it. I have had a song I wrote played at a friends funeral ( sang by the deceased husband) that was very moving ( the name of the song is "I will always be with you") and though we had no idea when we wrote it , the song was perfect for the occasion. So if there is no favorite of hers to play and no other artist says just what you want to say then perhaps you could write down your thoughts and put them to music. Keep it simple 'cause it can be a bit hard to get through these things. Good Luck

[Ed Goist]

This is a wonderful thing you plan to do.
It will be a rewarding, uplifting and spiritually enriching thing for all who experience it.
I'm going to suggest that you compose a simple instrumental piece specifically for this occasion, maybe naming it after your grandmother. This way the tune will always be hers.
Thank you for doing this.

[dcoventry]

Forever Young. Great tune, excellent thought behind it, and touching on many levels. Go to it and do it. Good on ya' mate.

[Kip Carter]

This is wonderful that you are doing this... so often we wait till loved ones pass on before we provide appropriate tribute to them. So greatest respect for your efforts. If I were doing this I would see two approaches.. working up something of great significance to you and your grandmother.. or .. try to find out what her favorites are (have been over the years) and create a medley of them for her.
Regards,
Kip...

[Beanzy]

I'd ask her what music made her feel special when she was a young girl in love. No matter how corny, cheesy or schmaltz that's what I'd learn & learn it soon enough to play it while she can hear it again.

[rgray]

Before picking the song, decide the message and audience. Do you want gathered friends and family to learn something they may not know about your grandmother by playing one of her favorites? Do you want to share your emotions with family and friends with a song you find meaningful? Do you want to play for your grandmother - either one of her favorites or one that expresses your emotions? Whatever you decide, may your song honor your grandmother, soothe loss felt by family and friends, and bring comfort and peace to you.

[Paul Busman]

Good for you for thinking of doing this. It does you credit.
If your grandma is still communicative, try to find out what music she likes, or what music was important to her in her youth. The right thing will come to you when the time comes.

[Toycona]

I didn't see whether you sing or not. If so, then there are tons of really beautiful, moderate tempo songs to play that would be thoughtful for such an occasion. Whatever song you choose will be the right choice. My only real advice is to practice up so that you can be on 'auto-pilot' while you play. I get choked up just thinking about this. Sometimes just playing the songs themselves resonate powerfully, even without an audience.

What a great and loving thing to do!!

[AndSoItBegandolin]

I would like to sing, I have a low end voice and don't know how to use it all that well but some things I am comfortable with. I like to sing a lot of Johnny Cash and I mentioned that Bob Dylan song because the changes in tone are not leaps so it was fairly simple to keep my voice in tune to.

[Randi Gormley]

Seriously, if you can write something specific for her and play it for her while she can still appreciate it, I'd go with that. If your talents don't lie that way, then something that affects you the way your grandmother affects you would be just as good. Funerals, after all, are for the living.

[jaycat]

Here are the lyrics:

Tomorrow Is A Long Time

If today was not an endless highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn’t such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to you at all
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin’
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin’
Only if she was lyin’ by me
Then I’d lie in my bed once again

I can’t see my reflection in the waters
I can’t speak the sounds that show no pain
I can’t hear the echo of my footsteps
Or can’t remember the sound of my own name
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin’
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin’
Only if she was lyin’ by me
Then I’d lie in my bed once again

There’s beauty in the silver, singin’ river
There’s beauty in the sunrise in the sky
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love’s eyes
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin’
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin’
Only if she was lyin’ by me
Then I’d lie in my bed once again

Copyright © 1963 by Warner Bros. Inc.; renewed 1991 by Special Rider Music.
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That's not something I would choose for this particular purpose. That's my input, as one of the "common people!"

[SternART]

Last time I saw my Mom....I took my mando to play for her. The previous visit she didn't even recognize me, a sign she was fading......but the last visit she immediately knew who I was and when I played, she told me all about her music lessons in her youth, how she was accepted to the Eastman School of Music, but when her Mom died young, she had to take care of her Dad & younger brother & never went......how she later became a piano teacher, etc. It brought out a lot of good memories for her. She didn't know what year it was, but could remember in detail things related to music in her life. I played a medley of tunes I know well....so while you can I'd suggest playing for her while you have the chance. What you play is less important than just the act of playing for her.

[Toycona]

....so while you can I'd suggest playing for her while you have the chance. What you play is less important than just the act of playing for her.

Great call!

[John McCoy]

First reply deleted--I wanna give this more thought.

[Denny Gies]

Does your grandmother have a favorite song? Maybe she does and it would be neat to learn it and play it whenever the time comes. Good luck.

[Marcus CA]

I'm going to suggest that you compose a simple instrumental piece specifically for this occasion, maybe naming it after your grandmother. This way the tune will always be hers.

I second that emotion. As Randi said, this is for the living, as well, and your tune would add to the living memory.

The other advantage of going with an instrumental is that at a memorial service, you might have an easier time controlling your mandolin than your voice. I delivered a eulogy at my grandmother's funeral. My grandmother was a well-worn 99, and I was a relatively mature 46, but I still had to stop at a couple of points. If I had been playing a tune instead of giving a speech, I would have been able to just keep my eyes on the fretboard and bear my way through it. If I had had to sing, it would have been a really rough ride.

[JEStanek]

I would be more inclined to play a piece that meant a lot to her. For example, it would be more appropriate for me to play something by Bach or the Chieftians as she loved classical and ITM more than "Who will sing for me" or a gospel/grass tune. In fact, as I know my mom, who started life in New Orleans, I might be inclined to play When the Saints Go Marching In for her (while she lived and at her wake).

As others have suggested, find out what some of her favorite music is or think back on it, ask other relatives. Good luck and enjoy the exploration of celebrating her life as you prepare to grieve her loss.

Jamie

[jaycat]

....so while you can I'd suggest playing for her while you have the chance. What you play is less important than just the act of playing for her.

+1.

Although my GF suggested "In My Life," which I think might be a pretty good choice.

[AndSoItBegandolin]

Thanks for all the input folks, I think I decided against the Dylan tune.. Its just a very emotional song for me and it makes me think of my grandmother not being around anymore. I think that particular song conveys less of a "family love" kind of vibe. I understand that singing may be difficult but if I feel like I could I would like to be prepared when the time comes.

I am now considering writing a gentle tune to play over a recital of the poem "Do not stand at my grave and weep" by Mary Elizabeth Frye. Its a good poem and it could adhere to the fitting suggestion of writing something for my grandmother so it will always be her tune.

Ill keep ya'll updated on what my decision is, again thank you for all of your input.

[Barry Wilson]

When my father was in the hospital with cancer, I wrote a song for him. nobody else heard it. it was just for him...

[jmalmsteen]

Go and play for her now. I played Fiddler on the Roof songs on fiddle for my grandmother because this is the music that she loved. I was there when she passed and had my fiddle with me and played Amazing Grace immediately after. Sorry to hear about your grandmother. You will always have the memories to pull you through.

[Mandobart]

Like many of us I have lost loved ones as well. Sorry to hear of your grandmother's failing health. Let me urge you to spend what time you can with her now.

My mother always enjoyed hearing me play and sing. She especially liked "Wildwood Flower." Every time I play that song I think of her. (My grandmother, on the other hand, was not much of a music fan). Anyway, I played for my mom when I could. During my time in the service, I was lucky to get to see her once a year, so I sent her tapes. Anyway, to me, there's playing for people, and playing for their memory. When I played for my mom I played the songs she wanted to hear. Whatever was played at her service wasn't really for her, it was for those in attendance; likewise whatever you play for your grandmother you'll be playing for her memory, not for her. Is your grandmother a Bob Dylan fan? Do others associate her with this song?

I didn't play anything at my mother's funeral (I don't think I could have at the time), but we all sang her favorite hymns. That was a real comfort for all of us. Just my 2 cents, but I like to separate "performance" and important family events. This is just my opinion, but it is rooted in traditional culture (which is not the same for all of us). A wedding, baptism, wake, etc. should be a community/family happening, where all lift their voices to sing. I much prefer this to having a soloist get up to perform at such events.

[CES]

I think it's wonderful that you're doing this for your grandmother and family. Depending on your religious preferences, if any, you may have better luck holding things together emotionally with a bit more up-tempo/celebratory song, perhaps even one you can get everyone else to participate in as well...thinking of The Unclouded Day, When We All Get to Heaven, Will the Circle Be Unbroken, I'll Fly Away, etc...maybe first verse solo, then have others join in...

That said, I personally would try to find out a few of her favorites, regardless of the genre, and play the one that suits your voice and skills best. I'm considering trying to work up a version of Ghost Riders in the Sky for my Dad...depite the corniness, the message and Western imagery fit his preferences and life well...Good luck, and I'll be sending prayers your way.

[Pete Jenner]

It's a Sin?

[f5loar]

I don't know about the morbid, forever life, dead songs etc. It's like the bring me flowers while I am living would do more. Why don't you just give her a concert even with a full band of happy songs. Nothing lifts the spirits like Rocky Top or Cluck Ole Hen.
Save the sad songs for the funeral.

[Bertram Henze]

Something to consider: when I will be going, I'll prefer something encouraging to set me on my way forward, rather than a nostalgic look backwards. It is a sad departure for those staying behind, but for the departing it is the hope of a new future in a bigger world. I'd pick one of the more optimistic Irish emigrant songs.

But that's just me.

[AKmusic]

Yes, play her a song she wants to hear, something that is special to her. That will remind her of days gone by.

BUT - also include something that you want to play for her, as a gift of song to her. And tell her so. How could she not appreciate the jester and sentiment? The thought alone will give her the joy of having something of you to take with her. And for the rest of your life, the song will have a deeper emotional meaning added to it whenever you play it. It will never fail to remind you of that moment and her.

[KarlM]

Days Aren't Long Enough by Steve Earle. A couple of lines are romantic-sounding but it works for anyone you love.

[Spencer]

My mother recently had a bad stroke, which took her life not too long after. While she was in the hospital, some of the family sang some of the old hymns we sang in church for many years. While she was not able to respond in other ways, she reacted positively by squeezing my hand when we sang. I picked the hymns for the funeral, which were relevant to her life and faith, and reminded us of who she was, and got favorable comments from the participants.

My point is, I think that while she is alive and can listen, play songs that are meaningful for her. When the sad time comes, play for those left behind.

Spencer

[outdoors4me]

Ashokan Farewell is about the prettiest song I've ever heard. Even if you just do a decent job with it, there won't be a dry eye in the church.

Great thing you're doing.

Beck

[AKmusic]

Yes, play her a song she wants to hear, something that is special to her. That will remind her of days gone by.

BUT - also include something that you want to play for her, as a gift of song to her. And tell her so. How could she not appreciate the jester and sentiment? The thought alone will give her the joy of having something of you to take with her. And for the rest of your life, the song will have a deeper emotional meaning added to it whenever you play it. It will never fail to remind you of that moment and her.

needed to edit the above. I certainly didn't mean jester - I did mean gesture. Thanks for the suggestion Mark.

[AKmusic]

Days Aren't Long Enough by Steve Earle. A couple of lines are romantic-sounding but it works for anyone you love.
I would really like to have "Pilgrim" by Steve Earl played at my passing. Really expresses what would be in my heart.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEsEoi2OnoQ

[mandolinlee]

My Dad and his sister (Aunt Evelyn) were raised by their maternal Grandparents. Their Grandfather played fiddle and had a family band consisting of himself, 3 of his sons and Aunt Evelyn. They played Square Dances in the area and loaded the old pump organ on the horse drawn haywagon for Evelyn to play. She was about 5 years old when she started. Fast forward to the 1960's. My twin and I started a dance band with a cousin, a friend and Aunt Evelyn playing the piano. Fast forward, again, to about 1990, my brother invited Aunt Evelyn, my wife and me to dinner. After dinner we played our guitar and mandolin for her. She asked us to play a lot of the old square dance tunes and other songs she remembered from playing dances for over eighty years. Later we made a 60 minute tape for her 90 birthday. She nearly wore it out playing it.

All this leads up to my suggestion, if possible, go play for your Grandmother in person! You will feel good about and I'm sure
she will enjoy it.
Happy New Year and Good Luck,
Lee

[Markus]

I would really like to have "Pilgrim" by Steve Earl played at my passing.

Me too, but if I was asked to play it I would have a really, really hard time holding it together.

A great suggestion, best I've heard here. Simple but full of power.

[Lee]

Being in my early 50's and having been swimming a mile each morning made the following surprise as heavy-hitting as the terror caused by having a seizure, surgery, chemo/radiation therapy and hospitaizations due to a glioblastoma brain tumor that hit me in January last year.
What to do now was suggested and so gratefully offered to me by my Mom, who's quite a pianist, to accompany me while playing for groups of people so they can hear and appreciate the wide variety of mando's I'd come to acquire; a wide variety most people don't know exist, which attribute to the wide variety of music I enjoy. I've never been well accomplished on mando and certainly not an exhibitionist, but having time to spend is well worth it's while and whom to spend it with.
I'm not sure the extent of help I can provide, but I'll try.