Do you qualify to sing the blues?

[duuuude]

How To Sing The Blues in 20 Easy Lessons:

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
unless you stick something nasty in the next line like,
"I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find somethin' that rhymes... like:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is NOT about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southboun'
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even
in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is
probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and
Kansas City are good places to have the Blues. New Orleans,
Memphis, Greenwood, Mobile and Statesboro are even better
places to have the Blues cause that's where Blues was born.
Actually, a dirt farm in the Mississippi delta is the best possible
place to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place
that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were
skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator
be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parkin' lot or sit down
by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less'n
you happen to be an ol' ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also got a legup on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline,
it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
Blues way to die. So is the 'lectric chair, substance abuse and
dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death
if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit: Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,(etc)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc)
For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer,
you cannot sing the blues!
http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/cool.gif

[EastmanGordon]

In the words of the almighty Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band......

Can blue men sing the whites?

G.

[John Flynn]

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer,
you cannot sing the blues!
Well, I guess I broke the rules when I penned "The Consulting Blues":

I left my baby this morning,
And I flew to another town.
Oh left my baby this morning,
And I flew to another town.
I got there and plugged in,
And the network was down.

So I got the blues,
Got the consulting blues.
Got the consulting blues,
Right down to my shoes.
Don't know where I'm goin' next,
I'm just payin' my dues.

[Tom C]

And don't forget about the famous quote...
"Blues ain't about making people feel better, it's about makin people feel as bad as you do." #
-Bleedin' Gums Murphy.

[Peter Hackman]

stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southboun'
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
When I was traveling around the East
and South in 1969 I discovered
that trains were almost obsolete. So I wrote a blues
titled Lonesome Bus. It has the following introduction
sung in free meter:

"This coach is scheduled to arrive
in Nashville, Tennesse,
at 6.45
PM

And there'll be no cigarette smoking
there'll be no pipes or cigars
And to avoid all possible misunderstanding:
There'll be no alcoholic beverages
o-on this lo-ho-onesome bus"

Now, if that ain't the blues ...

[bluesmandolinman]

I have read these rules somewhere else before... it´s funny ... and remind´s me that I am the worst blues singer in town http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[pickles]

I went drivin' in my Volvo and I nearly hit a possum.
Yeah, was drivin' my Volvo and I nearly hit a possum.
Guess I got distracted by the apple blossoms.

Well my man is good and he was really easy to find.
Yeah, my man is so good and he was real easy to find.
I'm tryin to drive safer but I can't get him offa my mind.

Never been to jail but I been to Bakersfield.
No I never been to jail but I been to Bakersfield.
No apple blossoms there, just bugs on my windshield.

So I'll stay right here where the apple blossoms are sweet
Yes I'll stay right here where the apple blossoms are sweet
and enjoy a Sunday drive with the finest man I ever did meet.

-- Sighted Pickles Roosevelt

http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

[pickles]

coda

Goin back to the trees with my prehensile tail
Goin back to the trees I got my prehensile tail
and when I play my coda you'll hear my mandolin wail.

[mando bandage]

And, in the words of Savoy Brown, "Just cos you got the blues, don't mean you gotta sing."

Gordon, your reference to the Bonzos makes me feel much less alone in matters of musical taste.

R

[Dave Caulkins]

Funny Stuff...

Heh, call me Broken Dawg Roosevelt as we're progressive in Vermont; but it does rain (or snow), we drive four wheel drive whatevers, and I unfortunately work at a ski resort. Not your prime blues turf, I guess, but it's different in the lonesome mountains.

Wow, mando-players who know the Bonzo Dog Band? Jeez, I though only ex-psychrock guitarists knew who they were. Are there more psych guitarists turned mandolinquents than I realized? Maybe it was just that I associate them with my days playing Gong, Hawkwind, and the like.

My band doesn't get Bonzo, else I would be trying to acoustify their stuff (since they don't know jazz much at all, I find other stuff).

From My Pink Half of the Drainpipe,

Dave

[smilnJackB]

Funny stuff Duuude and with quite a bit of truth. You sure got me in a blues playing mood. Jack http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/blues.gif