Mandolin Jokes

[Staramouche]

Q.How many Mando-Players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A.10---One to screw it in, 9 to say "I could do it faster"


Yeah---not good at all, but does anyone know any better ones?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joe

[garyblanchard]

Not mandolin specific but sure to offend many:

Q: How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They won't touch anything electric.
http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[garyblanchard]

I'm afraid there's more. (I must confess these began life as banjo jokes, but we can share them.)

Q: What's the difference between a mandolin player and a pizza ?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How do you get an mandolin player off your front step ?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a mandolin player and a certificate of deposit?
A: The CD will eventually mature and make money.

Q: What is a gentleman ?
A: Someone who knows how to play mandolin but doesn't.

Q: What does a mandolin player use for birth control ?
A: His personality.

Q: How do you make a mandolin player’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.
http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/mandosmiley.gif

[Staramouche]

As a beginner, I can relate to these...

Q: What's the difference between a mandolin player and a foot massager?
A: A foot massager generally bucks up the feat...

Q: How can you tell if there's a mandolin player at your door?
A: They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in. http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

[doanepoole]

Q: What's the difference between a hoover vacuum cleaner in your living room and a mandolin player on stage?

A: The location of the dirtbag.

[John Flynn]

What do you get when you cross a mandolin and a banjo?

An instrument that even a bass player can tell is out of tune.


Then there was the mandolin player who got addicted to playing waltzes. It was so bad, he had to go into rehab.

It was a three-step program!

[Michael H Geimer]

A guitar player and a mandolin player both slip and fall off a high cliff. Which one will hit the ground first?

The guitarist. The mando player had to stop and tune up half-way.

[mad dawg]

Q: Why does a mandolin have eight strings?

A: To double the chances that one of them will be in tune.

[Tibby]

hahahaha, thanks guys, I needed this today!

[mando bandage]

Q: What's the difference between a mandolin player and a foot massager?
A: #A foot massager generally bucks up the feat...

Mighty clever. #Reminds me of my favorite lawyer joke:

Q: #What's the difference between a rooster and a shyster?
A: #The rooster clucks defiance.

Sorry Elen and J. Mark, but we need to laugh at ourselves in our day jobs too.

R

[steadypluckinaway]

Y'know why mandos are so small?

So you can play it with handcuffs on!http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[John Flynn]

What do you say to mandolin player in a three piece suit?

Will the defendant please rise?

[sbarnes]

what's the range of a mandolin?
about 10 yards if you kick it hard enough

[bratsche]

Mighty clever. Reminds me of my favorite lawyer joke:

Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a shyster?
A: The rooster clucks defiance.

LOL! Reminded me of this one, too:

Q. What's the diff. between a seamstress and a mandolinist?
A. The seamstress tucks up the frills...

bratsche http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[Coy Wylie]

Not a mando joke but here's my favorite banjo joke:

Know why there was no banjo music on Star Trek?
There are no banjos in the future.

[Hoovetone]

STOP I say STOP !! with the mandolin jokes. I'm serious.
We need to keep them as banjo jokes. Besides, the banjo players will start trying to get creative making jokes for us mandolin pickers. Banjo players-Creative-Very scary thought!

[pathfinder]

Q: How do you recruit professional mandolin players in any large city?
A: Stand on a street corner and yell "Taxi"

Q: How do you know when a mandolin player has a girlfriend?
A: There's tobacco juice stains on the passenger door of his pickup truck!

[AeroJoe]

What do you get when you cross a Gibson Mandolin with Janet Jackson?

Absolutely the breast there is...:;):

[John Flynn]

This is no joke (I hope!): I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this thread. It's not necessarily that the jokes are all that new or that funny, although I have gotten a few good chuckles here. What I appreciate is that even though there has been some negativity on the board lately, this thread shows a positive side that we have gotten more light-hearted and "self-deprecating." The reason I say that is I kicked off a mandolin jokes thread about a year ago. I got some flames just for starting it and only a few jokes got posted before the thread died. I think the success of this thread shows we are making progess as an online community.

End of the soap-box. Back to the jokes! http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[jeffshuniak]

how do you make a guitar player turn down?

---you put sheet music in front of him. ok thats an old one everyone knows and its not mandolin. here's another

what do you call someone who hangs around musicians?

-- a drummer

[vkioulaphides]

Oh, mandolinists are always attuned to at least some degree of levity— the joke usually being on ourselves.

During one of the sessions in Carlo Aonzo's latest N.Y.C. workshop, he explained how a certain passage is to be played, giving all the technical details. We played as best we could.

Then, turning on his delightful, boyish-mischievous grin, he said: "Good enough, if you are a mandolinist; if, however, you are a musician..." http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Too much seriousness is unhealthy.

[Harrmob]

I guy walks into a store and asks for a Grisman pick and some J-74's. #The guy behind the counter says "You must be a mandolin player". #"How can you tell?" says the customer. #The man behind the counter says "This is a hardware store!"

[jlb]

Q: How many mandolinists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Impossible...they will never stop arguing that their mandolin is better than the other guys.

[garyblanchard]

STOP I say STOP !! with the mandolin jokes. I'm serious.
We need to keep them as banjo jokes. Besides, the banjo players will start trying to get creative making jokes for us mandolin pickers. Banjo players-Creative-Very scary thought!

Watch out - some of us mandolin players play banjo too!

http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/cool.gif

[jeffshuniak]

someone say banjo.
so you have all heard, the difference between a banjo and a harley davidson?

you can tune a harley.

[John Flynn]

A rough-looking guy walks into a bank carrying a mandolin case. One of the tellers hits the alarm button. The guards all pull thier guns and grab the guy. They search him, but don't find a weapon. The manager confronts the teller and asks, "Why did you pull the alarm? Were you afraid he had a gun in that case and was going to use it?"

"No," she replied, "I thought he had a mandolin in the case and he was going to play it."

[Mandodoc]

What do you call a mandolin player with a girl on each arm?

Asleep.......

or

Tatooed.........

[jeffshuniak]

jflynn, my girlfriend would appriciate the bank joke...

there once was a time, she loved the instrument...

now its chinese water torture to her.

[John Flynn]

I don't want the 'banjo players" to feel I have left them out. BTW, the more politically correct term is "ban-dicapped" or "musically impaired." This is from the dictionary:

Banjo Player: “BAN-joe-PLAY-urrrr”(Retuneus perpetuous): A “sub-sub-species” of musician whose function is to add dissonance to music, and discord to music ensembles, without enhancing melody, harmony or rhythm. The species is characterized by high control needs and paranoia, coupled with tone deafness and the inability to learn a real instrument.

This species is highly territorial. Retuneus will inhabit one musical key for life, unless forced to migrate by other musicians. Retuneus can be dangerous and is known to trample other players during instrumental breaks. When excited, Retuneus may also attempt to sing, stampeding every creature within earshot. Specimens of Retuneus can be found in unemployment lines, jails and music stores.

[Harrmob]

[QUOTE]What do you call a mandolin player with a girl on each arm?


What do you call a male mandolin player with a guy on each arm?

No, not Chris Thile......

A flowerpot

[pathfinder]

Dear Abby;

I desparately need your advice. #I'm dating a beautiful girl with a very forgiving nature, and I'm thinking of proposing marriage. #My problem is, I'm afraid she'll reject me when she finds out about my family.

My father is serving life in prison for murder. #My mother is in detox because of her alcohol and crack cocaine addiction. #My sister is a prostitute and my brother plays mandolin in a bluegrass band.

My question is; will I ruin my chances if I tell my girlfriend about my brother?

Stressed Out in Nashville

[AeroJoe]

A 18-year old girl who happens to play the mandolin walks into a tatoo parlor..."May I help you?", the man asks. "Yes", she replies. I want a tatoo of Bill Monroe on my upper inner thigh on my right leg and Mike Compton on my upper inner thigh on my left leg..."
"No problem...let's get started"...
Later in the day, she is looking in the mirror, and is not quite sure the likeness of each player is accurate, so she goes back to the tatoo parlor.
She tells the man, "Look, I really don't think this one looks like Bill Monroe very much and I don't think this one looks like Mike Compton either"...
"Well", said the man, defending his artwork, "let's get a third opinion". So they go out back of the tatoo parlor, and find an old wino laying asleep in the alley..."Hey buddy, this young lady and I need your opinion of something"... "Ok," say the wino still a little bit tipsy.
The young girl pulls down her jeans, pulls down her, ah, undergarment, and says "Does this tatoo here look like Bill Monroe, and does this one here look like Mike Compton"?
The old drunk guy rubs the stubble on his chin...suddenly his eyes widen and he says "Well, I don't know if that one looks like Bill Monroe, and I'm not sure if that one looks like Mike Compton...but the cute one in the middle with the curly hair and perky lips, that's just gotta be Rhonda Vincent!"

[PCypert]

>That cute one's gotta be...

David Grisman
http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Can't believe I got pulled in. I'm sorry.
Paul

[doanepoole]

I'm still waiting for the bad hair jokes...c'mon guys, if the mando world was a boat, it would float on an ocean of cheesy hair styles http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[John Flynn]

I did hear that Janet Jackson is looking for a mandolin player and some other acoustic musicians. In light of recent events, she wants to completely change her image and go big for traditional American values. She is going to change her look and put out a CD of all-American favorites, including old-time, blues, jazz, bluegrass and even some big band stuff. By doing this, she hopes to distance herself from what happened at the Superbowl.


The title track to her new album will be Glen Miller's "Little Brown Jug."
http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[Hoovetone]

O K Go ahead if you will. But don't say I didn't warn you.

[Dan Adams]

I knew my first marraige was in trouble when my wife accused my of loving my mandolin more that I loved her. My response at the time; "Which mandolin?"

A somewhat true joke.

ba,da, boom! Dan

[pathfinder]

Here's one that could actually happen in those last moments when a Friday the 13th merges into Valentine's Day. #And pleae note that it actually has mando content! #Enjoy.

Drifting off to sleep, a man is re-awakened by his wife asking, "Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?" #Realizing this type of pillowtalk was dangerour turf, the man tactfully replies, "No, I'd miss you so much that I'd be too heartbroken to remarry"

His wife mulls this over for several minutes and finally says, "Well, I wouldn't want you to be lonely, so I think you should remarry".

Thinking he was back on safer ground and could now get back to sleep, the drowsy husband yawns and mutters, "OK honey, if you die, I'll get remarried".

Several minutes pass. #The wife raises her head again and asks, "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

"Who?" the husband counters, still wary of starting an argument.

"Your new wife, of course! #Because there's no reason for those clothes to sit in the closet after I'm gone!" the wife exclaims.

"OK, OK, if it makes you happy, I'll let her wear your clothes! #Now let's go to sleep, OK honey?" the exhausted husband pleads.

Several more minutes pass in silence. #Finally the wife asks, "Would you let your new love play my mandolin?"

More asleep than awake, the husband mumbles, "Of course not. #She's left-handed". http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[Nik-chick]

I was afraid of getting this thread shut down, but after the tatoo joke seems to have gotten past I doubt I could do that! I won't say anything too dirty tho; the Johnson players have suffered enough, we all know most mandolins have f-holes and that you finger the fret board.

With that said, what would you call it if Dolly Parton took up the mandolin? T**s and Grass.

[Staramouche]

I'm feeling the love on this board!

I'm not worried about those ba**o players reading this thread...
They're still looking for that "any" key to start!

Playing the mandolin is a lot like tossing darts blindfolded: you don't have to be very good to get people's attention, but when you do they move they're feet quick!



~~~~~~~~~~~~Joe # http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/mandosmiley.gif

[Nik-chick]

I just came up with this one (which means it's probably bad since it's 4AM):

What's cool about meeting a male mandolinist in a bar?
You can ask him what he named his instrument without getting slapped. http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[Staramouche]

I've heard mandolinists don't really screw in lightbulbs...there's not enough room!http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[jeffshuniak]

the banjo: the instrument that is synonomous with inbreeding.

no real harm intended here.

[garyblanchard]

the banjo: the instrument that is synonomous with inbreeding.

no real harm intended here.

I didn't think that was funny. I shared it with my wife and sister. She didn't think it was funny either. http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[Keith Miller]

what is the perfect pitch for a .....(insert instrument of choice) ..Answer: when it goes into the bin without touching the sides http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[RBM]

Comment that will never be heard - Oh that's the banjo players Porshe.

[garyblanchard]

Gee...aren't these banjo jokes off topic? http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[Lee]

My first mandolin was a joke!

[mandofiddle]

What's the difference between a mandolin and a banjo?
You gotta take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Here's a regional Colorado joke. If you're familiar with Boulder CO at all, you'll get it... Non-mando related, but funny...

How many Boulderites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they're all too busy attendiong workshops on how to cope with the darkness. http://www.mandolincafe.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

[Keith Miller]

differance between a mandolin and an onion, no one cries when you cut up a mandolin

[John Flynn]

Q: What's the biggest difference between an F style mando and an A style?

A: The F will burn longer.


Q: What is another name for a scroll?

A: A $3,000 strap hook.

[SolReLaMi]

Q. What do you call a mandolin player with a pager?

A. An optimist.

[Nik-chick]

You might be a mandolinist if...

...you hear references to Bush in Washington and you think Sam Bush has a gig there.

...you have ever named a child, pet or yourself (via internet handle) Manda Lynn or anything similar.

...you think "pickinpox" is a legitimate excuse for taking a sick day.

...you call your boyfriend "Chris" or "Bill" by mistake.

...you call your girlfriend "Rhonda" by mistake.

...you named your child after your mandolin (or worse someone else's).

...your playing takes up so much time you haven't had a date in so long you get out your beater and do bad things to the removable bridge or f-holes (depending on your gender) and it wasn't just one time at band kamp.

...you have lunch at the Mandolin Cafe every day at work.

[NickelCreeker]

Stupid one, but im hyper so it will do!

What does Tweety bird, A Slice of Swiss Cheese, a quilt, and a Mandolin all have in common?
-Absouloutly nothing, you weirdo.

[jeff_75]

Q. What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A. A banjo player.

[Staramouche]

I usually call in sick from an eye disease...Eye just can't see me working today!

Is Pickin-pox as contagious as Mando-nucleosis?

[Km1000seth]

Q what dou you call a Japanese mandolin

A a ricepicker

Seth
The more strings one can play at a time the higher one's IQ

[sunburst]

Q: what's the difference between a mandolin player and a frog?

A: the frog has a chance of getting a gig