What do you hate?

[John Craton]

It may safely be assumed that those of us here at the Cafe have a genuine love for the mandolin, though admittedly not everyone does (as most of us can vouch from personal experience). We all have our respective likes and dislikes, and it's what makes the world an interesting place.

But as lovers of the mandolin, what instrusments do you genuinely despise? What so assaults your auditory senses that it tempts you to vandalism each time you hear it, and why? (No flames, please, since we're each entitled to our own opinions.)

I guess I should get the ball rolling on this. Here are my top three choices for instrustments from purgatory:

#1. The sitar. Perhaps it goes to my dislike of hearing people whine, and this is one of the whiningest instruments I've ever heard. Even the bladderpipe doesn't hold a candle to this monstrosity. Each time I hear a sitar I feel like swatting at the air as it reminds me more of a mosquito-infested room than anything musical.

#2. The banjo. Sorry to disappoint many at the Cafe, but while I love the mandolin I simply cannot stand a banjo. I think the main reason is that it has only one dynamic, ff (which stands for "#######' fortissimo").

#3. The Ondes Martenot. Okay, I'm an acoustic kind of guy, and I'm a little down on electronic sounds anyway, but whenever I hear an Ondes Martenot I start looking for little green men. Even Olivier Messiaen, who used it as effectively as any composer I've yet heard, would have done well in my opinion to have married a harpsichordist or -- dare I say? -- an accordianist than the world's leading Ondes Martenot player.

Okay, so what instruments would you use on your next outdoor barbeque? Take no offense, please, if someone hates the most cherished object of your affection. (I write operas, so I'm used to seeing some of my beloved things on many people's hate lists.) But it would be curious to know not only what we all like, but what we particularly dislike when listening to music.

[Bob A]

Nose flute?

Jaw harp?

I'll admit to a certain negative feeling about the banjo, but listening to classical banjo on the Big Trio Reprise CD shows how it can be done right.

Accordion? Forced to play it at an early age, I wouldn't pull one from the flames.

Tuba. A brass device for the amplification of facial flatulence.

Theramin - OK for 1950s weird background, but surely it oughn't to be classified as a musical instrument.

Most of the stuff Harry Partch put together. Perhaps interesting to listen to once, but . . . kinda reminiscent of Spike Jones, in a far more pretentious fashion. At leasy Spike Jones was able to find whoopee cushions that were at the proper pitch.

What I really dislike are the electronic devices that permit lazy thieves to download the riffs and sounds that real musicians take years to develop, and sample them digitally for (ab)use by the untalented.

[doanepoole]

Skruggs-style banjo is pretty obnoxious.

Same with "the saw".

[doanepoole]

Oh, and also electric fiddle. Nasty.

[f5joe]

I hate nothing. Karma teaches one that. Reach within your soul and release the hatred ........... there .......... now let it go. Feels better already!

Seriously ........... I LOVE the banjo. Ultra Super Yummy!

[Eugene]

Most of those things listed as jokes actually are things I've played, either by choice or, in the case of saw, because it was required of the mandolinist in an avant-garde score. #Don't laugh: Albrechtsberger, one of Beethoven's teachers, generated several concertos for jaw harp and mandora (a guitar-/mandola-like lute). #...And you've gotta play nose flute just because...

I might be hard pressed to pick three and most that often offend can be made to do right in the right hands. #Those to most often offend might be:

1) Saxophones of the 1980s, whether trying to ape earlier cool players through overblowing or playing cheesy fusion, bleccchhh...

2) the aforementioned electric fiddles/violins, and

3) most synthesizers in pop/dance music settings.

[brandon]

hammond organ- 70's cheese.

flute- leprachauns and fairies.

wood blocks in older jazz tunes- cartoonish

[peterleyenaar]

Hurdy Gurdy

[John Ely]

I don't really hate any particular musical instrument, but there are some musical styles with which I feel no particular affinity. I won't name names, but radio stations with the word "lite" and "the" in their names play some of them.

[weenut]

saxaphone.there's no place for it in my life

[brandon]

saxaphone.there's no place for it in my life

so no room for Bird or Trane?

[davestem]

Hmmm...I'll go with the autoharp and harpsichord. There are times that I have heard each played tolerably, but they generally just have such hideous tone that I'd rather not hear them.

[250sc]

I have to fall back on the old chestnut..."It's not the instrument, it's the player"

I don't like playing with banjo players that play too loud but that is the fault of the player. I don't like playing with instruments that are out of tune but again...blame the player.

I really can't think of an instrument (including bagpipes) that I don't like but those darn musicans can make me crazy. ;-)

[dwc]

pretty much anything that samples, incuding but not limited to turntables, synths, mixers, condensers etc.
I think just about any instrument if played well, in the right context, sounds good.
So maybe its just that I don't like techno/electronica.

[evanreilly]

I dislike spoons; I really dislike washboards played with metal fingerpicks.
The kazoo can be easily overlooked.

[dwc]

Actually, I have heard the guys in Jump Little Children do a pretty cool Kazoo solo.

[Richard Polf]

Its spelled SAXOPHONE, not SAXAPHONE. If you're going to say you hate it, at least know how to spell it.

[Lee]

No one's mentioned bagpipes?!

[Willie]

All of them when they are out of tune and/or not played correctly mainly at jam sessions...Nothing as bad as a "twangy" out of tune dobro in the hands of someone that can`t play in time....Willie

[mrmando]

Pedal steel guitar in most post-1960 country music.

However, I love what Leon McAuliffe and Speedy West did with it ... and the "sacred steel" thing is pretty cool too.

[mad dawg]

Celine Dion's voice.

[mandofiddle]

I'm not a huge fan of the mountain dulcimer.

[squeally dan]

I have to second the haprsichord. When I was a kid a lady on a children's show played one. It just has a really annoying tone (to my ears).

[John Flynn]

Celine Dion's voice

LOL! I love the Saturday Night Live parody on her, "Hi, I am Celine Dion: Thee Greatest Singer in Thee World!"

In addition to instruments that are always irritating, I think there is such a thing as normally not irritating instruments that are irritating in the wrong place. Examples:

> I was in an old time/bluegrass jam and a guy showed up with a portable electric piano. It just sounded very odd.

> I like dulcimers, mountain or hammered solo or with light accompanyment. But I find them really irritating at jams. It just sounds like a lot of noise.

> A guy I know is really into playing bones and he is really good. I actually like to jam with him. He described going to a bones convention, though where at one point, they had about 100 bones players playing together. Now that would be irritating!

[mandocrucian]

There are no onboxious instruments, only obnoxious players.

Elecric violin?.... I just burned some of my (rock/blues) LPs of Don "Sugarcane" Harris onto cdr a few days ago. He sounded great on it. #(Too bad he never recorded with John Cippolina #or Quicksilver Messenger Service.)

And I also dig Harry Partch and his 43-tones to the octave microtonal stuff. "Out of tune" is relative; a good argument can be made that 12 tone equal temperament is out-of-tune. #I also like Spike Jones, Red Ingalls, the Bonzos too.

Accordion - great instrument. It drives various ethnic musics around the world: Cajun, Quebec, Tex-Mex, etc. etc. etc. #90% of accordion playing has nothing to do with Urkel or Lawrence Welk. Some of my all-time favorite players ar accordionists (John Kirkpatrick, Flaco Jimenez, Tony McMahon, Maria Kalaniemi)

Tuba? #just listen to some stuff by Taj Mahal or Ry Cooder than have that as the bottom end instrument.

Theremin.... #besides Good Vibrations, you should hunt up some recordings of Clara Rockamore, which is pretty incredible stuff.

Hammond B-3 organ: #One of my favorite sounds, whether it is black gospel, early Detroit rock (Bob Seger System), Dr. John, or blues. #I'd rather have a B-3 instead of an electric guitar in a band lineup.

Flute: another favorite, and another instrument I was tempted to mess with. #Rhaasan Roland Kirk, Ian Anderson (Tull), Eric Dolphy, not to mention the Celtic and ethnic stuff. Can sound great in a rock/blues setting. #And every variety of ethnic music around the globe has flutes.

Some of these comments regarding "I hate this" or "I hate that remind me of the too often heard Yahoo slogan ("yahoo" ala Swift) "There's two kinds of music - there's # #(your personal favorite genre) # # and there is &*^%!" #Why not begin to "discuss" the ethnicity of the (true) master race?

I think some of you folks should take some of your MAS money and, instead, spend it on a really diverse selection of 5-star rated recordings of every genre. #And then spend some time actually listening to the stuff.

Niles Hokkanen