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Thread: Quitting my band

  1. #1
    Registered User Kevin Briggs's Avatar
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    Just venting a bit here....

    I've given a notice to my band that I'm quitting by October. It's gotten too complicated with my budding - literally - family and the personalities involved. It's kind of hard, because I don't have another gig lined up, but I need to do it.

    I have my second child on the way, which is more important than anything to me right now, along with caring for my first child and my very pregnant wife. Aside from that, after almost three years, the personalities of those involved in the band are emerging.

    I'm the youngest by 20 years, and I'm am certainly the most open to new material, and our banjo player is not far behind. He practices religiously, and for that I have a lot of respect for him. Our fiddle player is the classic apathetic musician who just wants to jam. I can relate to his approach, but I also like to work hard at makign a group work, so too much apathy is counter productive, in my opinion. Our bass player likes all kinds of bluegrass and old-time music and has played in dozens of bands, but his stamina is waning because he's generally getting a little older at 60+ years (no offense to those over 60). Finally, our guitar player is a loose cannon. It's either songs he already knows or songs that only he knows that we back him up on.

    Anyway, I wish I could figure a way to be a good family guy, good worker and a devoted band mate, but I can't. Music takes a backseat to family and work(work supports family).

    Any tips would be much apprecaited.
    Hamlett Two-Point
    Eastman MD805
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  2. #2
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    A man's got to do what a man's got to do. I played in a lot of bands when I was a younger fellow. You name it I played it. But I've only been in a couple bands with guys I called friends. Music, it seems it all about ego and personalities are bound to clash.
    You are right, Family comes first and you know you're doing the right thing.
    Playing in a band is great when everybody grooves together but when it becomes a chore to load up the car to drive out to a gig and be the only one "ready to play". In the end raising a family is far more rewarding. Don't second guess your gut feeling.
    good luck with the new lil' picker!



    it's a box with strings. If it's a well made box, It'll play?

  3. #3
    Registered User Kevin Briggs's Avatar
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    Thank you, sir! You hit the nail on the head with the "chore" observation.
    Hamlett Two-Point
    Eastman MD805
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    Registered User Elliot Luber's Avatar
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    Bands come and go... even when it works out well.

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    Registered User bradeinhorn's Avatar
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    enjoy music with people you enjoy.
    www.bigdrawbluegrass.com

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    Bayard GBOM

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    As a young father you have the wonderful days ahead of you to build your own band with your family. I am blessed to play in a band made up of all but one family member and have the best of both worlds. Family is first, so why not bluegrass? You could do a lot of other things much worst. Until they get old enough you'll figure a way to play, I can hear it in you soul.

    If a man is in the woods without his wife and he answers a question, is he still wrong?

    Mandorev
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    I'm on the verge of, well, taking some time off from my group as well. Last practice one of the guys threw a fit and put his instrument up saying "it's not fun if this is the way we're going." Hello. These guys are friends of mine but this "band" thing is starting to go sour. The last band I played in went twenty years. That's a pretty good run. I just don't have time for the petty BS anymore at my age. Your family ALWAYS comes first.
    mikeguy

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    I feel your pain. #I just a left a band for almost exactly the same reasons -- demanding day job and young family. A couple of quick suggestions/warnings:

    1) Try to part on good terms. #That is, I'd empahsize the constraints on my time rather than the personality issues in explaining my reasons to the rest of the band. #My own opinion is that this is a more decent way to go about it, but it's also a matter of self-interest. #Music communities everywhere are small, and having a reputation for being decent to work with is more likely to lead to future offers than a reputation for being a jerk.

    2) In some ways I'm hesitant to compare bands splitting up to divorces -- it's kind of cliche, and it seems to me to overempahsize bands and maybe underemphasize marraiges. #Bit in one sense it holds true -- almost no matter what you say and how honest you are, there are going to be some people on the other side who come up with their own reasons for your decision, and these explanations might not be all that nice. #Shrug it off, stick to your life priorities, and do your best to find fellow musicians who you think will share your sense of priorities and be easier to work with. (Though I know that's a lot easier said than done.)

    Good luck with the next group.

  9. #9
    Registered User bradeinhorn's Avatar
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    check out levon helm's biog - this wheel's on fire - if you are interested in a good band break up story with split sides. it will likely put your current siuation in perspective.
    www.bigdrawbluegrass.com

    Voight A-5
    Bayard GBOM

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    I went through the exact same situation too, but I had to put my pregnant wife first after being in the same two bands for 12 years. Now my daughter is 4 and I have a 1 yr old boy, I am so much happier spending time with my family and just going to Bluegrass jams when I can. Dont worry about being able to play music, you will always meet other musicians, and a lot of them will have kids of there own. I say to you, "Congratulations!"

  11. #11
    Registered User Bill Halsey's Avatar
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    Absolutely the right choice, Kevin: I think your priorities are spot-on. You will never regret time spent with your family, especially while your kids are young.

    Sounds like a win-win opportunity to me, and you'll likely be surprised at what comes your way musically later on. In the meantime you're the same musician you were, but with less baggage.

    Please keep us informed.
    ~Bill~
    "Often wrong, but never in doubt."
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  12. #12
    Registered User 8ch(pl)'s Avatar
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    I used to play with a folk group in a semi public song circle. I had to quit because I couldn't take the ego of one of the members. He has to be the center of attention. He and 2 others were in a band with a few other folks, when things didn't go his way he would threaten to quit. The guy who co-ordinates the band phoned me one day asking if I would join, "Dennis is no longer with the band" he said. So I did join. we all get along very well, compliment each other's music and there seems to be no egos involved.

  13. #13
    M@ñdº|¡ñ - M@ñdºce||º Keith Erickson's Avatar
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    Kevin,

    I can assure you that you don't need to hear from us that you did the right thing. You know in your heart what's right and what needs to be done.

    I can relate to what you're going through and I speak from experience that my wife and 7 month old son come first in my life. When it comes down to it... ...we will all be there for each other in the good times and the bad times.

    At this point in my life, I am not in a band and that's all good because my steady mandolin gig is the 8:30 am mass at Queen of Peace Church in El Paso, Texas.

    ...I'm not totally away from the music but I'm not sacraficing my family life.

    ...oh and by the way, from my family to your family, Congradulations on your new arrival!!!!
    Keith Erickson
    Benevolent Organizer of The Mandocello Enthusiast

  14. #14
    Registered User Kevin Briggs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by (bradeinhorn @ Aug. 25 2007, 19:19)
    check out levon helm's biog - this wheel's on fire - #if you are interested in a good band break up story with split sides. it will likely put your current siuation in perspective.
    Brad,

    I've read Levon's book. For a long time I was a Dylan fan first, and an everything else fan second. That said, I obvously love The Band. They certainly had a tumultuous break-up.

    I'm definitely staying positive regarding the matter. They are friends too.
    Hamlett Two-Point
    Eastman MD805
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    Registurd User pjlama's Avatar
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    Bands are tough, obviously you're doing the right thing but will miss it. I spent a bunch of time freelancing after doing bands for from teens to thirty, the best part of mercenary work was walking away at the end of the night feeling unattached. But never having the connection of "the band man" was a little lame. So I took a couple years off and started playing mando, solo bass is a little boring. With that said I started a new band playing mando but I have a two sons, one's almost five the other nearly two and my wife's pregnant plus we have a very demanding five year old business. Just play with the people you want when the right situation presents itself. Sounds like the current gig is just over, enjoy this time as an opportunity to grow as a musician. It also seems that you're want to explore different styles so have at it.
    PJ
    Stanley V5

  16. #16
    Registered User Kevin Briggs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by (Billbows @ Aug. 25 2007, 20:49)
    Absolutely the right choice, Kevin: I think your priorities are spot-on. #You will never regret time spent with your family, especially while your kids are young.

    Sounds like a win-win opportunity to me, and you'll likely be surprised at what comes your way musically later on. #In the meantime you're the same musician you were, but with less baggage.

    Please keep us informed.
    Thanks, Bill! That's some great encouragement, and it makes me understand that my musical road is not at an end.
    Hamlett Two-Point
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    Kevin. over time (I've played in bands since 1966!) I learned to think of bands as living organisms and the people in the band as the cells that form the organism. Old cells divide off and form new organisms. And all life forms have a life span...some long, some not. Your band may continue with a new player or decide it's reached it's time.

    If you've put a lot of time and feeling into your band, it make sense you would have a lot of mixed feelings about leaving while still knowing it's the right move. Give yourself the room to feel bad about it and them look for the new opportunity when you can fit it into your life. Don't allow yourself to stop thinking of yourself as a musician because you're not in a band right now. Carve out a small amount of daily practice time wherever you can and keep learning tunes. In time you'll find your way back to playing.

    Bands contain a lot of the dynamics that can drive families apart and few of the things that hold them together. And sometimes you play with the band you have rather than the band you want.

    Good luck to you and your family.
    Steve

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    It's been several years since I was in a band, but I'm really excited about a new situation I've found. We're all adults with our priorities straight, but we all love to play and look forward to getting together. We've practiced about 7-8 times so far, and it's really starting to come together. Luckily the other four are very talented people with great taste and chops. It will be fun to see where it goes.

    Anyway, always remember that when one door closes, another one opens.
    Passernig #42

  19. #19
    Registered User jim simpson's Avatar
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    In the current BU Country Gentlemen article: "a fan came up to Jimmy Gaudreau and said that he would never replace John Duffey" - Jimmy replied, "Too late, I already did!"

    I just love that response!
    Jim
    Old Hometown, Cabin Fever String Band

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    I'm more than sure that you'll gain the respect from the members if you're just honest and straight foreward with telling them that you're leaving due to your family priorities. This isn't for any member in your band their livelyhood is it? They do have jobs outside of this band don't they?

    I was in your shoes when I had said the same thing to the folks in a band I was in and even though they weren't too thrilled with my leaving they still was able to fill the slot I had opened. But I have been told that anytime I wanted to come back the position's stil open for me.


    I spent most of my daughter's 2nd year pretty much away from home both during the week at work and quite a few weekends out of town playing or rehearsing to play a gig and I missed out on alot of things with she and my wife as well. Finally, it got to be too much that I had gave it alot of thought and gave them ample time to find another mandolinist for thier band. The band went on for several years after my leaving and then recently disbanded.

    I'm sure they'll understand your reason for leaving if it doesn't get too indepth with the personality issues. I'd just avoid that area all together. If they, themselves have any families I'm sure they would better understand your reasons behind leaving. Kids grow up fast! My daughter's now approaching 18 !

    Good Luck with this and your new one on the way. #
    'Tis better to know that you have a True Enemy than to know to have a False Friend "...(quoted by unknown).

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    My personal feelings are that no matter what activity is involved... Family takes priority. Appreciate and enjoy them while you can. Having lost my son and my wife has reinforced the family values that I've always maintained.

    Jerry

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