Breakdown in communications - oddball response - am I nuts?

[Stephen Perry]

I have no idea how to deal with some things. All week people call me with no idea what they're about, in my law business. Or to lie intentionally, make threats, make offers, all that kind of stuff. But that's part of the gig, navigating all that stuff. There's a certain amount of confusion and stress that comes with working as a civil litigation attorney - although the way I do it the litigation part is highly minimized. I try to solve problems efficiently. Maybe that's part of it, I like things to be efficient, to know what we're talking about, to know where we're headed. That takes some context.

So I get a lot of communications. I have perhaps a dozen things in the shop and 20 to 30 clients in the law office. For a hermit living and working in the middle of nowhere that feels like a good deal of people and things to track.

So today is / was actually a day off. Mostly. I still have to answer the phone. Could be family, could be crucial development, could be a law client off her meds.

I answered the phone. Got up from drinking coffee and reading. A fellow whose voice I recognized asked whether his mandolin had arrived. He didn't introduce himself, but so be it. I wandered all the way from by the little wood stove, down the hall, through the kitchen, and into the shop area. Then he couldn't tell me the brand of his mandolin. Just that it was brown. Very unusual for me, I hung up. Seemed completely unreasonable to drag me out of my comfort zone on a Sunday morning and not even know what you're calling about. I eventually called him back and informed him he needed to tell me who he was and what brand of instrument he was calling about when he called. This devolved again into some kind of magic I was joking we talked before conversation. I hung up again.

Eventually Becky got things sorted.

I never hang up on anyone, ever. Somehow this was just showing up as completely abusive and unreasonable to me. I'm not sure whether it was context or what. A mix of "who calls me about a mandolin on Sunday morning?" and "Who doesn't know what kind of mandolin they sent me?" and "How am I supposed to remember every detail about every case mandolin story history I was born in a log cabin?"

So I'm not sure whether I'm going nuts or what. Or whether I'm reasonable. I work very hard to deal with people who don't know what they're about. Maybe I just have a different standard for people who send me physical things. Probably a reason I really prefer the musical instrument work sometimes. I'm starting to calm down. But it's taking almost an hour.

Is this unusual? What is going on? I understand in retrospect that this was a "joking" conversation from one end, which is OK during the work week, and a "you have to be some kind of #######" conversation from the other end. Just a disconnect.

So what do I do? I don't know. I expect the mandolin (which isn't here) will get here eventually. I am not in real civilization, so it sometimes takes extra time for such things to arrive. I expect it will be a mandolin that is workable and I'll send it off. I don't want people to think I'm difficult to work with. I'm not. I am a bit autistic and detail oriented. The telephone isn't something that came naturally to me. I work extremely hard to try to get through to what people want. I suppose this was just over some magic line I didn't know was there and hit the non-linear penalty function.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. The buck always stops here and I skate on the edge of overwhelm routinely. If the gentleman who called drops by this rant, sorry about that. I just kind of expect folks to respond with "Eastman" or "Kentucky" rather than "brown" when asked what mandolin they sent.

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hey, Stephen!

Good rant, good question. Generally if you hang up on someone (or hang up on someone twice!), you're the bear. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you just over-amped on unreasonable human contact. You deal with personalities all week, you're probably (from the sound of it) a classic introvert, and you just need (not want, need) to decompress when you're home.

If it were me (I'm another classic introvert), I'd just make nice to the guy, give him a good deal on whatever you're doing for him, get him out of your life, and forget about it.

And if you've never read it, I highly recommend "Quiet - The Power of Introverts In a World That Can't Stop Talking." Here's the author: https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain..._of_introverts

[Jeff Mando]

I work at home doing repairs and eBay. One of the things that keeps me sane is not answering the phone everytime it rings. The phone is a necessary evil, IMHO. The number is displayed and if I recognize it and have time to talk, I pick it up. Otherwise it goes to voice mail and I deal with it later. (or not!) I figure I save a couple hours a day and stay focused on stuff that needs to be focused on. And, I get to remain in charge, instead of someone calling to play games and changing the course of my day.

I should add that after 6pm I turn the ringer off my phone and turn it back on in the morning after I am fully awake.

[Charlieshafer]

You are totally reasonable. A Sunday morning business call to a one-man business is totally out-of-line and invasive. That's what email is for. That he didn't identify himself is really strange behavior. For normal people, it's extremely rude, so we'll have to assume he's abnormal. But socially-challenged people I know (be it behavioral or medical) are aware of their condition and do their best to overcome it. If it's the guy's "sense of humor", he's really not very funny.

Don't give or the way you treated him a second thought. If he needs work done, then great, do the work and get paid, but don;t think for a second his behavior was acceptable

[Stephen Perry]

Thanks all. Challenges all the time.

[allenhopkins]

Hmmm -- slightly different "take..." You're in two businesses that are necessarily going to involve a great deal of interpersonal communication. Your communication skills are as important a part of your overall "skill set," as your abilities to prepare legal documents, or construct/adjust/repair musical instruments.

It's similar to the performing musician who has great technical skill, but can't relate well to his/her audience -- a person we've probably all seen and heard at one time or another. There are actually workshops on "stage performance techniques" that try to teach musicians how to play in front of an audience and win it over, as opposed to polishing up licks in the practice room.

Nothing described here seems inherently "difficult" on your part; the caller was unreasonable (I hate telephone callers who assume I know who they are, when I don't; makes me look like an idiot, when the shoe's on the other foot), calling on the weekend and not giving necessary information. Might make sense to screen calls, with some kind of voice mail message about "accepting business calls during normal business hours" or similar.

But getting a call like this, is one of the occupational hazards of having a business that deals "retail" with the public. How one prepares to handle the situation, may well determine how well one can continue in this field. Nothing more injurious to a small business, than getting a rep for "bad customer service"; read some of the threads here on the Cafe, if evidence is needed.

One final point: you mention being "a bit autistic," which I think is probably unnecessarily self-critical. But my wife, who was a reference librarian, once had to participate in terminating another librarian who had Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism. The person could do research, handle the technical tasks of a librarian, but couldn't deal with patrons; if one asked a question, left the desk while the librarian looked up the answer, and returned, the librarian couldn't recognize or remember the patron. (Not saying this applies to you!) It was a sad case, but it underscored that the often cliched "interpersonal communication skills" can be an essential part of a chosen occupation.

[CWRoyds]

Some people are totally unreasonable when dealing with services.
We get people who email us initially, infuriated by some small issue with a product, saying stuff about how they are never going to buy something from us ever again, and if we don't satisfy them, we will be hearing from their attorney.
This is for a $6 kids watch...

One would expect a simple "Hi, i have a problem with my watch..."
We email back a nice note saying we will be happy to replace the watch for no cost.
Then suddenly they are nice... or not...
Sometimes they just wont be satisfied no matter what we do.
Once we offer to ship a free replacement, what else can we do.
Some people live to berate services.

I certainly wouldn't expect you to know if you had my mandolin if I couldn't even tell you what brand it is.
That has a whiff of crazy to it.

On a personal note, I have found my communications with you about my mandolin to be absolutely clear, friendly, helpful and understanding.
No issues at all.
It ain't you.

I am so excited to hear how my Mandolin comes out after your VooDoo.
Take as much time with it as you need though.
I am in no rush.
I just want it to be the best it can be.
I love tinkering with instruments to see what they can do.

Enjoy your Sunday, and don't let some jerk bum you out.

[CES]

Agree that the caller was unreasonable. I deal with difficult people all the time in my work, which includes a fair amount of night and weekend hours (in addition to the M-F hours). My patience for such behavior is limited as is, but especially so at 3 am, or on an "off" day. I try to remain professional, but will redirect irrational people to "usual business hours" if needed.

[Stephen Perry]

Problem is all my numbers are one, so any call might be someone with a surprise hearing in the morning. Kind of need to answer. A guy i worked with has in his contract that weekend calls are billed at 2x. Making more sense all the time. I had one client call 11 times one weekend. Every call was something that could have waited. 2.1 hours worth of them.

[FLATROCK HILL]

...On a personal note, I have found my communications with you about my mandolin to be absolutely clear, friendly, helpful and understanding.
No issues at all.
It ain't you. ..

Ditto.

And even though I'm not superstitious, I'd think twice about ticking-off someone who practices Voodoo... Mando or otherwise.

[SincereCorgi]

Yeah, that's rough, and it's good that you've got Becky to act as a second line. There's a certain customer personality out there that has a really weird idea of 'funny', and it often goes hand-in-hand with constant bartering and deliberately stupid questions. If you're tired or stressed it can be infuriating, and the best thing to do if that's the case is to pass it on to somebody else.

[Steve Ostrander]

I would either not answer the phone or let the answering machine get it on Sunday. It's your day off. You deserve it. Nobody should bother you on your day off, except family or friends. This was not an emergency.

I've always found your posts on the Cafe to be helpful and polite. I spoke to you on the phone once several years ago and you were, again, helpful and polite. I don't think the problem is on your end. I think it was rude for the guy to bother you on your'e day off and rude to not ID himself or his mandolin. I don't blame you for being miffed.

[colorado_al]

Yes you are crazy. Everyone is! Just some more than others...
I wouldn't sweat it.
Still enjoying the Eastman MD-505 with MandoVoodoo. Thanks!!

[Mandolin Cafe]

I have no idea how to deal with some things. ... --snip--

No sympathy.

Try running a large web site. You want to be treated rudely? You haven't seen rude.

[T.D.Nydn]

Big deal,,try being a tattoo artist,,you have no idea what crazy is.....

[Jeff Mando]

Big deal,,try being a tattoo artist,,you have no idea what crazy is.....

A couple guys from the tattoo parlor would come in the store where I worked to look at guitars, a tattoo artist and a "piercer". The "piercer" once told me, "Jeff, you've got the greatest job, you get to repair and play with guitars all day long!" I reminded him he worked around "semi-clad" people all day long and didn't have to go to medical school to do so -- granted, I would rather stare at guitars than some of his clients........

[ccravens]

Steve,

You've always been great at communicating with me over the phone.

I would describe your telephone demeanor as personable, knowledgeable and gracious.

[ccravens]

No sympathy.

Try running a large web site. You want to be treated rudely? You haven't seen rude.

Oops.

You must have gotten the emails I sent you...

[Stephen Perry]

The mando / violin end of things is the usually very calm, laid back, normal end of things. People in litigation are REALLY wacko sometimes. "I'll cut your throat." Couple of physical assaults. Been sued for doing a good job a few times. Pretty fun overall, though!

Maybe I should start a contracts series on here. Security interests, how to lose your mandolin in someone else's bankruptcy, all that good stuff.

If you want to see evil, peel back the covers on timeshare firms, known as 'the usual defendants' in this household!!

[verbs4us]

On my grandparents gravestone is the family motto: Love each other and be brave. I always interpreted "love each other" as to respect everyone, not matter how crazy they are, and apply the golden rule. They are human, God's creation, and deserve respect. Most crazy people don't think they're crazy; they are likely to think you're crazy. You end the cycle with love. You'll feel better.

[Al Trujillo]

In my previous life in a high-stress career I took a course in Street Survival for law enforcement officers. The take awAy from the course, which changed my life and perspective was when the instructor asked for a show of hands to anyone who ever read the law that the phone is more important than life, family, personal well-being? It made sense and since then my life has had exponentially less intrusions. If it's important they'll call back. If it's an emergency there are doctors and nurses to help. I haven't ignored all that's important, I've just learned what's important. Works for me. Try not answering your phone. Or like the instructor told us - if you answer the phone and accept the stress, ask whether it's all worth dying over?

[Nick Gellie]

Steve,

You are entitled to your privacy and serenity in not taking Sunday phone calls. In that situation I would say that could they ring me back tomorrow and we then can talk about it some more in my work time. In the meantime they could gather more information. He could be ringing the wrong person. I have had several instances where people have rung me and they were ringing the wrong person.

I get perfectly the disconnect. Perhaps the other person needs to understand boundaries in work and private life. We all need to respect others in all our daily dealings.

I am in the same boat living in a relatively remote location. When you live remotely you dont have the same resources as you do living in a city.

BTW that Martin Beck violin you sold me is still going strong. Wonderful service you provided. Can't be faulted.

[Petrus]

The mando / violin end of things is the usually very calm, laid back, normal end of things. People in litigation are REALLY wacko sometimes. "I'll cut your throat." Couple of physical assaults. Been sued for doing a good job a few times. Pretty fun overall, though! Maybe I should start a contracts series on here. Security interests, how to lose your mandolin in someone else's bankruptcy, all that good stuff.

But yeah about the phone thing ... I turn mine off (or at least turn off the sound) at night or when I don't want to be disturbed. Usually I'll just turn off the ringer so I can quickly glance at it and check for messages w/o being bothered.

[Jess L.]

... But yeah about the phone thing ... I turn mine off (or at least turn off the sound) at night or when I don't want to be disturbed. Usually I'll just turn off the ringer so I can quickly glance at it and check for messages w/o being bothered.

Some of these modern smart phones let the user set "quiet times" which automatically turn the phone's ringer on and off each day. It can be hard to find the settings as they can be buried in menus somewhere, but it's a nice feature because it makes the phone far less irritating, without having to remember to manually turn the ringer on & off every day. On my phone, I can choose to silence phone calls but still let text messages through, or silence the whole thing.

These smart phones also can have the possibility of allowing exceptions for designated important numbers, so that important people (anyone you choose to put in that category) can still get ahold of you in emergencies, even when your phone is in automatic do-not-disturb mode. I would suppose that the procedure is different for different brands of phone, but on mine it's pretty easy to allow exceptions, I just have to go into my contact list and put the important numbers into a certain category, then I go back to the other menu setting and allow that entire category to bypass my do-not-disturb settings. (Didn't see need for going into details here because the exact procedure likely varies from one brand to the next.)

Anyway it's a pretty handy feature.

I never in a million years would have discovered that feature on my own, but the young gentleman at the big-box store where I bought the phone (on steep discount as a close-out, I might add), clued me in to some of its lesser-known features.

(I'm new at the smart-phone thing, held out without one for eons, finally bought one just last year, glad I did except the battery life is dismal... have to charge 'em every day or two if you use them for anything at all.) Anyway...

Although I understand about the additional complications of worrying about missed calls in a business situation.

... I still have to answer the phone. Could be family, could be crucial development, could be a law client off her meds. ...

If it were me, on Sundays I'd screen unrecognized callers by just letting the calls go to voicemail, that would give me the option to check the voicemail (or not) to see if it's anything urgent. That way if it's some non-urgent irritant-caller at least I don't have to talk with them right there at that moment (some of my relatives are in that category). If necessary I can call them back at a time of my choosing.

... I answered the phone. ... I wandered all the way from by the little wood stove, down the hall, through the kitchen, and into the shop area. ...

Was that a cell phone or a cordless landline phone? If cell, chances are that gives you lots more options as to whether or not to answer calls or just let them go to voicemail (usually free with cell service, at least in my limited experiences with major U.S.-based cell carriers) as mentioned up above a ways.

Anyway, no you do *not* sound crazy.

[Rob Meldrum]

Steve,

Loving that a lawyer's biggest pain in the payout is a mandolin owner!

Rob