Favorite Stage Banter

[TonyP]

LOL! some great stuff I'm gonna try and remember!

I just used one I heard Del use on Saturday. When somebody requests a song we don't know as a band,

"We don't know that one, but this one has a lot of the same notes!"

[JeffD]

I don't sing.

I have told the audience that I am usually paid not to sing.

Yep, folks give me money not to sing, it happens all the time when I threaten to sing. It all started when I got offered a buck to sing "far away", and I said for three bucks I stop all together. For a while I was part of a government project where every year I got money for not singing, or growing corn. Every year I had to record a little singing and send it to Washington, where they figured out how much it was worth to have me not sing. Then during the year I filled out a log book of opportunities where I could have been singing but didn't, and they totaled it up and paid me.

I then tell them that since they are a good crowd I agree to not sing for them for absolutely nothing. Just this once, so beware.

[JeffD]

I have told an audience "we learned this next tune off our CD"

I have told an audience that "we are working on our second album, we gave up on the first one".

[Polecat]

The trick of appearing spontaneous is not easy to achieve. About a year ago, after introducing the murder ballad "Wind and Rain" and explaining the appalling story it tells (this in german, to a german audience who couldn't be expected to understand the words, thus the explanation), I added as an aside that this kind of thing can happen even in the best families, indeed it happened to me only last week. This got a great laugh, so I decided to add it to my repertoire of patter. I've used the line a couple of times since, but never with the same effect.

[Beanzy]

"We would now like to play you a selection of our greatest hit." pause (normally gets a few chuckles) " but we never had one so we'll just play this instead"

[Timbofood]

"Keep those cards and letters!"
We always got good juju when we reminded folks to tip the wait staff, always asked back to those venues!
Mike, I used the "more talent" bit at a festival show and the sound man reached for a pot then, looked up at me and started laughing so hard I thought he'd faint! I love that line.

[Drew Egerton]

Charles Humphrey III, bass player for the Steep Canyon Rangers, used to have some to fit this thread. So bad they're good type jokes.

Some off the top of my memory....
Get real serious and talk about some places you've been playing before. "...and of all the clubs, theatres, festivals, etc....I can honestly say, this one, is the most recent."

"After the show Woody will be backstage kissing babies....that's right, all female babies ages 8 to 80. If you're right on the cusp don't worry, we don't check IDs."

"We didn't get into bluegrass music to get rich, and so far that's working out just fine."


In my band, the banjo player has used "Do you know how to tell if the stage is level? The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth."

[Astro]

About 3/4 into the performance:

"Hurry up and listen cause we aint playin all night...

...It just seems like it."

[Doug Edwards]

What can I say, We're getting old.

Our bass player used a stool that his wife made an extra padded top. I'd point it out say Tiny's wife made this top for Tiny. He says it's the best stool softener he's ever used.

[allenhopkins]

Best "banter-ers" I've heard -- the late Utah Phillips, and Bill Staines. In both cases, they have/had specific stories that introduced specific songs. If you went to several of their performances, you could anticipate the song from the humorous intro, but the intro was so well done that you didn't mind knowing what was coming.

Remembered line from Phillips: "Invested all my music earnings in stocks -- toilet paper and revolving doors, but I got wiped out before I could turn around."

Line from Mac Wiseman: "I've got this duet LP I did with Lester Flatt for sale over there. It's got a money-back guarantee: you buy it from me, and if you don't like it, just see Lester and he'll give you your money back."

My frequent partner Jim Clare has some good ones: "Played my last gig at the nursery school; by the end, there wasn't a dry seat in the house."

Banjo jokes are usually good, even when I'm playing the banjo and they're used on me:
"What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? Saliva," and so forth.

When mention that I have cards with my performance schedule on them, I say, "They're a good investment -- they're free. And if you like my music, you might want to come hear me again. On the other hand, if you hate my music, you wouldn't want to wander by accident into a place where I'm playing, and have to hear more of it."

[Petrus]

One good one is to work up the audience by playing on the usual rivalry between towns. This is almost always a nearby town that is either smaller than the one you're playing in (thus composed of hicks, unless it's a college town in which case they're elitist hipper-than-thou snobs) or larger (in which case they sellouts or big city yuppie types.) Thus: Austin/Houston, Eugene/Portland, Tucson/Phoenix, etc.

It goes something like: "Hey, we just played over in (rival town; say it with a slightly contemptuous tone) and they said you guys (up/down) here in (current town) don't know how to swing/rock/etc.!" (Pause while audience erupts in jeers and hisses at rival town.) "Let's (swing/rock/etc.) so loud they can hear us over in (rival town)!" Guaranteed cheers and shouts of approval.

Just don't get the names of the towns mixed up!

[TEvans]

I enjoy Tim O'Brien's banjo jokes. Banjo jokes are always funny.

"I just got my banjo here back from the shop. I had it in the backseat of my car, and I went into the post office to pick up some stamps. When I came back to the car, I found that my back windshield was broken in, and my worst fears were realized....

There were two banjos in there."

[T.D.Nydn]

I tell people I don't sing because I've literately made babies cry....one time a drunk walked up to me and started staring at my playing ,said it sounds like a bunch of wrong notes to me and started throwing up right in front of me..

[MikeEdgerton]

LOL! some great stuff I'm gonna try and remember!

I just used one I heard Del use on Saturday. When somebody requests a song we don't know as a band,

"We don't know that one, but this one has a lot of the same notes!"

I may have to write that one on the top of my mandolin. Great stuff from everyone. Some I know, some I've never heard. Heck, some I've used.

[bigskygirl]

I am not a performer but as an audience member I like a band that develops a rapport with the audience. I recently was at two different shows of two VERY well known bands and it was painfully awkward during tuning and set-up and such in between songs. I wish someone would say something for the several minutes it takes to get everyone in tune and ready to go.

I agree there is a difference between a musician and entertainer with the latter being my preference for a show. I don't care if the music is perfect, if the show isn't entertaining I wont be back.

[JeffD]

Best "banter-ers" I've heard -- the late Utah Phillips, ...
Remembered line from Phillips:."

He said he worked as an electrician for an Indian Tribe, putting in bathroom lighting. He was the first in that area to wire a head for a reservation.

[bigskygirl]

Charles Humphrey III, bass player for the Steep Canyon Rangers, used to have some to fit this thread. So bad they're good type jokes.

Some off the top of my memory....
Get real serious and talk about some places you've been playing before. "...and of all the clubs, theatres, festivals, etc....I can honestly say, this one, is the most recent."

"After the show Woody will be backstage kissing babies....that's right, all female babies ages 8 to 80. If you're right on the cusp don't worry, we don't check IDs."

"We didn't get into bluegrass music to get rich, and so far that's working out just fine."


In my band, the banjo player has used "Do you know how to tell if the stage is level? The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth."

I saw the SCR the year they were touring with Steve Martin, now there's a guy who knows how to entertain. Some of the stuff he said during breaks was so stupid but so funny. Sometimes observations along the lines of Seinfeld or such are good for a laugh.

I also agree that if you find something that works use it often, I've seen various bands multiple times and I could almost get up there myself knowing what they were going to say but it worked and each audience really enjoyed it.

[MikeEdgerton]

One of a half dozen versions of Pete Rowan's Walls of Time story on Youtube. He does it well.

[Timbofood]

Allen,
"It's good, though!"

I remember when Utah was starting to have some hand trouble and he had said something about how he didn't want to disappoint concert goers and he was told" Do you really think these people come here to hear you PLAY?" Which he greeted with his big laugh and said "I guess you may have a point."
I miss that man!
Great story teller!

[TonyP]

Being an entertainer and musician are usually mutually exclusive. But when you see somebody like Utah or Dry Branch it's like seeing two shows. I'm always surprised to see some of the folks backstage and see they are shy.

I was in a band with a guy that I'd usually ride up to gig's with and by the time we'd get there my face would hurt from laughing. But he'd hardly ever talk on stage. Finally I told him he needed to do this on stage and he looked at me like I was crazy. He'd never been the front man before. We started getting gigs because we cracked folks up. I started remembering the stuff he'd say in the car and feed him the lead in and off he'd go. It also changed how I saw myself. If he could do it, why couldn't I get a stage persona too?

But like Randi noted, there are some who should NOT talk. Been there, had to listen/endure it. I try to not be that guy. It helps to have one liners you can fall back on and it usually breaks that dead air that makes everybody too nervous to say anything.

I even used this banjo joke when the bass player and banjo player were late.

The bass player and banjo player came in late. We'd already set up the PA and were getting ready to start without them. As they came walking in I asked the bass player what happened and he said he locked the keys in the car. It took him 3 hrs to get the banjo player out.

[zedmando]

Can I have everything louder than everything else.

[Bill Foss]

I once heard Charlie Waller say after a rousing song and some joking around on stage:"We don't have much fun, but we make a lot of money."

[John L]

I'm not saying the banjo player isn't very smart, but he thought KY Jelly was a brand of marmalade - from Kentucky

[G7MOF]

And at the end of a gig you say, (Thank you and good night, you've made 4 happy men very old) I think that's the right way round!!!

[dustyamps]

Jethro Burns "How do like the jacket, isn't that nice. I came home last night and found it hanging over a chair. It fit pretty good so why rock the boat?"