Dealing With Spouse

[Bill Clements]

What you should do is show her this thread, and then say "look at these bozos, at least you're not married to one of them."

David, you are priceless!

IMHO keep your word to your wife.
A suggestion: Get a second job to pay for your toys. I have a shop full of power tools purchased with money from side jobs.

Fatt-dad also has a great solution:

So, about 10 years or so ago, I just started putting $80 bucks a month into mutual funds

[Pete Jenner]

I have to be polite to Pete.

When he gets raptured, I want his mandolin.

I only recently heard of this rapturing thingy - it must be an American thing.

Bill, I can't think of a nicer and more deserving person to get my mandolin... but ...what if you get ruptured ...er sorry ..raptured before me? Can I have yours? ...and your guitar.

[Astro]

I only recently heard of this rapturing thingy - it must be an American thing.

Bill, I can't think of a nicer and more deserving person to get my mandolin... but ...what if you get ruptured ...er sorry ..raptured before me? Can I have yours? ...and your guitar.

OK Pete, I'm leaving instructions to my wife.

Besides, my biggest fear is that if I die my wife will sell all my instruments for what I told her I'd paid for them

[journeybear]

Ah, what a web we weave - for ourselves! Damned if you do, damned if you don't - damned if you didn't!

Well, just be glad you haven't told her how much you've paid for them. She might figure you're worth more dead than alive and, ah, set the wheels in motion. And who knows - perhaps she might take all that mad money and start buying - horror of horrors - banjos, accordions, bagpipes, musical saws - exploring all those dark desires you and your mandolins had been keeping in check. Yeah, best not rock the boat, and maintain the deception, for our sake. Don't want to tip the scales toward The Darkness ..

[Astro]

Well she knows, believe you me. I was just being funny. I'm about as transparent as it gets. In fact I usually research, obsess, bemoan, and whine for so long until she finally says something like shut up and just buy the damn thing.

[journeybear]

Now THAT is an understanding wife!

[JeffD]

Just sayin...

http://www.mandolincafe.com/forum/en...ate-a-Musician

[Petrus]

But when someone points out that something you've said, even jokingly, might be harmful, getting defensive is precisely the wrong response, as easy as it is.

This sounds too close to tone trolling, which is a microaggressive strategy to attempt to silence others. I'm biologically male, fwiw/btw, though I identify as female sometimes.

Anyway, I'm grateful that I'm not in a relationship at this time (not that I could handle one ... I can barely handle being in a relationship with myself let alone someone else.) I can spend money on things as I see fit. Well, as my meagre funds allow, that is. At least I don't have to make up excuses. Though often I've been disappointed with a purchase and ended up reselling the thing shortly thereafter, which can be a bit embarrassing (to oneself.)

[Bertram Henze]

I can barely handle being in a relationship with myself let alone someone else.

Very important. Perception that the latter is not possible without the former is one big step towards a successful relationship.
Getting along in one's own company is like practising with a metronome - the first step to getting along with others; then you have something to give, and it's not just "don't leave me alone with that creep in the mirror".

[journeybear]

This is getting to be like a group psychoanalysis session. Should I be paying someone $75 an hour? Think I'll go play some music for a bit instead.

[Bertram Henze]

Should I be paying someone $75 an hour?

[JeffD]

I can truly say my wife has NEVER complained about my buying of musical instruments, only about my absence when out playing. .

I often suspect that is the issue. Or at least an issue.

[journeybear]

Put that way, the issue could be a diminishing of attention paid to her, or time spent with her. Or that you have this thing you do that you devote so mu\ch time and energy and thought and money to, but she is not really a part of it. She may just want to be included more in all that.

Hmmm ... yeah, 5¢ sounds about right ...

And Jeff, your blog is brilliant! Much truth, humorously presented. Um, it was meant to be funny, right?

[Narayan Kersak]

How do you tell your wife that you now want to keep the "A" Style mandolin you said you would sell if she let you buy a nice "F" style mandolin? I really did plan to sell it, but I am having trouble parting with it.

I've read a few of these posts, but not all 6 pages, so if someone has already said this...

This is what I might call a "1st World Problem".

It can be a problem, but in the overall scheme of things, its not life or death or going to harm the long term. (probably).

I like the idea of being honest...say...Hey Honey, I know I said I'd sell the A-style, but I got to admit, I really love both the instruments and they are both great, so what would you think if I just kept both instead? She might say, sure, no problem...or she might say...nope...you said you'd sell it...so sell it. It doesn't hurt to ask.

(Now if this isn't going to cause you to miss a mortgage payment, or a monthly deposit into your retirement account, it may be OK, right? Of course if it is going to cause this problem, what's the worst she can say? She can point out the obvious and then you still sell it.)

My other question is, why did you promise to sell the A in the first place? Is it because you felt guilty having 2 great instruments? Or it helped you feel better about making the upgrade? Did you really need to make that promise? (Again, these may have already been hashed out earlier in the 6 pages of thread, so forgive me if I am just restating questions.)

I only bring this up, because I've been in this situation twice. The first time was when I got my first Custom Build, and then it arrived, and my wife, said...Oh yeah...You are going to sell your old Alvarez A800 right? ( She said this when she heard me play them both back to back and heard how amazing the new mandolin sounded).

Recently, I got a new guitar, and I did say...I'll sell one of my other guitars once I get this new one. However, when I got the new one (actually an old vintage electric) and played it alongside my old guitar, I realized both my guitars were awesome and had aspects about them I loved. So I said, Hey Honey...I know I said I'd sell my old guitar, but I got to tell you, you know how you have 40 pairs of shoes and they all have their special zing? Well, I've discovered I really like both guitars for these reasons. She then said, that's fine. For the simple fact that we would still be putting money in retirement, paying our mortgage and having money to eat food and buy gas. So I asked...and she said, no problem. So it is possible. Now again, I wouldn't have asked if I knew it was going to put us both in financial hardship. All it did for me was keep myself from going out to lunch so often for a few months.

[Narayan Kersak]

Hope I haven't contributed to any "misogyny." I raised the issue that having to get permission from one's spouse/partner/whatever, whether male or female, to own a second musical instrument -- assuming that one's not blowing the household budget to do it (as I would be, if I insisted on buying a Gibson Lloyd Loar F-5 for $200K plus) -- bothers me.

I feel that mandolin purchases are often treated as something we have to feel guilty about, have to fool other family members about, have to bargain for "permission" to do, have to hide how many instruments we really own, have to -- honestly -- revert to a sort of "immature" status. Perhaps this is because playing a musical instrument is seen as a non-serious, self-indulgent, somehow "selfish" activity.

May be true for some, but not for me -- and I expect not for quite a few Cafe´members. Music is a serious and important part of our lives and of our identity. It's something I do professionally, partially to earn money to buy instruments if I decide to.

So I'm not trying to criticize the OP, or his spouse, or anyone who feels he/she has to negotiate for permission (or, perhaps better stated, agreement) before buying an instrument he/she can afford. Nor am I criticizing any spouse or partner who thinks he/she should stand as "gatekeeper" over the other partner's spending decisions.

I just think that discretionary purchases of musical instruments are perfectly acceptable, shouldn't require any special permission or vetting, and that intelligent, reasonable mandolin players (that's all of us, right?) can make intelligent, reasonable decisions about how many instruments they can afford, how much time they can spend playing them, and how music fits into their overall lives, and those of their families.

Apologize for being overly serious. Carry on!

AMEN!

Ok..so I went back and read a few more...it's Sunday morning at 7 Am, what else do I have to do!?

And this was my favorite post yet.

[Astro]

Starting a thread on the MC sometimes can be a bit like planting kudzu.

[darrylicshon]

I just started a side job and my wife said i can spend the money on what ever I want, she knows I have been wanting a new mandolin, but she also plays guitar and is learning mando
What a nice wife

[almeriastrings]

Hope I haven't contributed to any "misogyny." I raised the issue that having to get permission from one's spouse/partner/whatever, whether male or female, to own a second musical instrument -- assuming that one's not blowing the household budget to do it (as I would be, if I insisted on buying a Gibson Lloyd Loar F-5 for $200K plus) -- bothers me.

Easily solved.

Just buy one of the 'unsigned' ones at less than half the price and you can then proudly boast about how much you have saved. Who could possibly complain?

[High Lonesome Valley]

Easily solved.

Just buy one of the 'unsigned' ones at less than half the price and you can then proudly boast about how much you have saved. Who could possibly complain?

So cheap you can't afford NOT to buy it.

[Timbofood]

Darryl, I think we married sisters! My wife would not deny me anything if it didn't make day to day existence difficult. She'd jump in and help if I was close and in danger of missing out on something I really had an itch for! We are lucky fellows!
Kudzu, I like that one!

[Petrus]

Easily solved. Just buy one of the 'unsigned' ones at less than half the price and you can then proudly boast about how much you have saved. Who could possibly complain?

Or just buy a The Loar at less than 1/100th the price.

[kkmm]

My wife now supports me when I buy mandolins, she went with me in the last few days and we bought 2 mandolins, just two days apart.

[JeffD]

I think music as an avocation has a certain relationship danger - I mean that making music is something one can easily get very passionate about, perhaps more than many other activities which are just "something to do". And a spouse that sees all that passion going in a direction that is out, and not in, to the relationship, well I get that.

Both partners having a passionate avocation may be a solution, so that each understands the other. But this has its own danger, it can lead to war of the roses type behavior however, as when one partner comes home with a new and unplanned fishing rod, and the other buys a twice as expensive guitar to get even, and so partner one buys a bass boat, and so and so on and so on. But limited resources puts a damper on this type of thing I suspect.

I especially feel for those who started their musical journey after getting married. I mean, if he was musical when you dated, you kind of should have known what was coming. OTOH...

There is a school of thought that all the information was there at the beginning to decide, but we are blinded by the twinkle. I mean, the uncommunicative guy was the strong silent type, he hasn't changed, and the emotional codependent guy was the super caring sensitive guy, he hasn't changed. And the guy with eight mandolins was the guy with two guitars and a banjo, he hasn't changed. Not really.

I dunno. I think the questions are deeper than the forum. It sure ain't ever about the mandolin. Not really.

[allenhopkins]

I think music as an avocation has a certain relationship danger - I mean that making music is something one can easily get very passionate about, perhaps more than many other activities which are just "something to do"….I think the questions are deeper than the forum. It sure ain't ever about the mandolin. Not really.

You know, there are "golf widows," "hunting widows," spouses/partners who sit home while their significant others go skiing, running marathons, playing poker, drinking, taking tai chi or yoga, attending book clubs or political rallies, marching against racism or abortion -- whatever interest, avocation or passion they have.

I'm sure other websites have postings about, "how do I get my wife to allow me to buy a bigger motorcycle," or a new bass boat, restored '57 Chevy, fourth golden retriever. Women may want "permission" to buy another piece of Depression glass, or a seventh tennis bracelet, or perhaps a new sofa when the old one's "perfectly good" but insufficiently elegant or stylish.

So, right, "it sure ain't ever about the mandolin" -- but we seem to think that buying a new musical instrument -- which we can afford, and which presumably is not an exact replica of one we already own -- is something that needs special permission. Some of us feel, apparently, guilty about doing it.

Agreement is one thing; "permission" is another. The second implies an inferior status: I'm shamefacedly trying to butter you up, so you won't disapprove my frivolous purchase. Still don't see why buying a new musical instrument puts a spouse or partner in that "permission-seeking" status.

[JeffD]

You know, there are "golf widows," "hunting widows," spouses/partners who sit home while their significant others go skiing, running marathons, playing poker, drinking, taking tai chi or yoga, attending book clubs or political rallies, marching against racism or abortion -- whatever interest, avocation or passion they have..

Your right, and I am trying to think why music may be more of a threat (because in my experience with people it sure is).

What I come up with is that golf, or poker, or cars, tend to be male oriented. While music is really a mixed group. So a wife could feel more threatened by husbands passion for activities that include other women. Or the reverse. A guy is not perhaps going to be too threatened by his wife's sewing circle, but if she takes up square dancing, well now....