Dealing With Spouse

[JeffD]

Agreement is one thing; "permission" is another. The second implies an inferior status: .

Yea that is kind of the crux of things. When is it your decision, when is it my decision, and when is it our decision.

[jshane]

I don't think there should be any "threats" to a relationship over something as soul-inspiring as music.

If your partner is threatened by the passion you express via music.... why not bring her/him into the fold? It is remarkably easy to teach a complete musical novice how to play simple bass-lines. Do this on a cheap tenor guitar or baritone uke. THEN your partner can play WITH you--- and believe me that is a BLAST. You might also be surprised at how fast those bass-lines become chords-- and then melodies.

My wife never played ANYTHING until a year ago. I started her in just this way. She now plays an octave mandolin--pretty darn well I must say-- and on a few tunes I have trouble keeping up with her.

[journeybear]

... I am trying to think why music may be more of a threat ...

Could be because the spouse is concerned you may be becoming ... a musician, God forbid! Then she/he would see her/himself as having been an enabler to the ruination of the marriage, that she/he may have been blind to having been duped into marrying the worst possible prospect, the very one every one of her/his friends warned her/him against marrying - a musician. The horror, the horror!

[barney 59]

Did you play music before you met your wife? That is an important question I think. Early in our relationship I attempted to teach my wife to play but it didn't stick,so I play, she doesn't. I also know that she does harbor a bit of jealousy that I can sit down and happily while away hours by myself with my guitars and mandolins. She doesn't complain and keeps it to herself,but I know. This was who I was when she met me and now 35 years later(my lord!) nothing has changed. I did kind of gravitate out of the band thing after we had kids and that was voluntary and necessary. I wanted to be home and an actual living had to be made. So actually I am much less involved with music now than when we first met. When I performed I practiced much more and in a much more disciplined way because I needed it! A couple of hours performing probably represented 8 hours of playing that day!
If perchance I had taken up some new thing AFTER my wife and I had established our relationship well, that could be considered a game changer and she may be within her rights to take issue with it. It maybe wasn't part of the deal that she/he thought they had going in. "Your always spending money on your Moto GP bike, I need you here to take out the trash!" It's not the money and it's always the money. I'm a lowly woodworker with a clientele of rich to extremely rich people. They all complain about the money, grudgingly give you your hard earned check then hop on a plane to Paris to buy school clothes for their kids! If you are on top of your own finances and know what you can afford and your not shooting yourself in the foot by buying the best instrument that you can afford it shouldn't be a problem. If it is a problem then the problem is actually something else!

[jaycat]

. . . If it is a problem then the problem is actually something else!

Yeah, that's what I think too. But I'm gonna run it by my ex-wife to see what she thinks.

[CavScout]

I've told my wife this 7 times. I now have 8 mandolins. And then there's the one on order from Australia that I've never found just the right moment to mention.

[JeffD]

Hey do you think there is another forum website somewhere, where folks complain about their spouses buying stuff without consulting them, and where members give advice on how to "catch him (or her) in the act", or how to recognize its a different mandolin, or guitar, or fishing rod, pair of shoes, or whatever.

"I know when he encourages me to go pick out a new handbag that he is soon going to show up with more camping equipment."

Or...

"I know when she encourages me to get what every I want from Gander Mountain, she is going to show up with a new handbag."

or something.

[yankees1]

I've told my wife this 7 times. I now have 8 mandolins. And then there's the one on order from Australia that I've never found just the right moment to mention.

If it is a Gilchrist, than I know you are in very hot water !

[CavScout]

Well, not quite. Paul Duff is building me an F4. But...that water is still pretty warm.

[Perry Babasin]

I have a shirt like this with mandolins!

[CeeCee_C]

Having dealt with this issue for many years, ask yourself whether making this purchase will affect your family's quality of life. Will you and/or your spouse have to scrimp in other areas in order for you to to do this? Do you have the money?

If the answers are No, No, Yes, respectively, then I have found that "because I wanted it" is an acceptable answer. I have no clearcut answer for the other sets of responses.

[RBMB]

Jewelry!

[John O'Brien]

I was debating about throwing my hat into the ring on this one, but here goes...

I purchased my first mandolin in June, an entry level A with a pickup. Sitting around the fire one night I was discussing how an F is like a piece of art, and found one online that was selling for roughly a dollar more than the value of the case it was in, so by September, I had my second one, which, with setup could be sold at a small profit. I promised her, I wouldn't look to buy another one until I was playing at a level that I could justify moving up.

She made a vital mistake in complementing how nicely my playing is progressing! Did I mention I'm in sales?

I advised that I had found my next level mando, that when we were ready, I was going to get an Eastman MD315. She said we already had two, could we sell them to pay for the upgrade. Crazy talk, I know.

I mentioned something about the A having the pickup and using it with the rock band, and the F was going to be the camping and festival beater. And, the kids are showing an interest, so it would help having the extra one around. It made perfect sense. Plus, there's a method to the madness (how to build a band indeed, Mr. Thile!)

The kids are interested in music, turns out. My oldest has an interest in piano, so we found a "haul it out and it's yours" piano that needs a tuning. My son is all about the bass, so to speak, and we found a great 1/4 size upright for him to learn on (he's little at 10), and my youngest loves her some violin. I scored a nice violin at a pawn shop at like a tenth of its value, turns out it's full size, too big for her, so we picked her up a proper used 1/2 size. Somewhere along the way, we picked up an acoustic guitar and ukulele from a family member's divorce.

Ever curious, I caught my wife in the studio last night with the youngest, both violins sawing crudely away at Jingle Bells.

I'm pretty sure she'll be OK with the Eastman!

So in the last 6 months we've amassed a small arsenal of instruments and have the beginnings of a family jam. I never lied to her or hid anything from or misled her. I think the key is that she sees the joy the instruments bring, and it does not put us out financially. And, now she's getting a little taste for making music herself.

Not sure what to do about the banjo though...

[fatt-dad]

dude I know bought a sub $200 cello and is using that for a bass. I mean when the 1/4 gets too small.

f-d

[CeeCee_C]

Jewelry, shoes, "man up", grow a pair? WTF?

5 min. later....

Sorry for the language, but c'mon y'all. What's with the gender stereotyping? (I'm half kidding, half serious. I know it's all in good fun, but...)

[allenhopkins]

..Sorry for the language, but c'mon y'all. What's with the gender stereotyping? (I'm half kidding, half serious. I know it's all in good fun, but...)

No apology needed; it's that tone running through the thread that sets my teeth on edge a bit, too.

Stereotype the spouse (mainly wife) as controlling, overbearing -- but also shallow, to be "bought off" with an offsetting "bribe."
Stereotype the other spouse (mainly husband) as devious, irresponsible, trying to "put one over" on the Ol' Battleaxe.
Stereotype the purchase of a musical instrument as frivolous, self-indulgent, for which "permission" must be obtained, possibly by "permitting" an equally irresponsible purchase on the other's part.

Yeah, it's all in fun, but then again, it isn't. There's no relationship that doesn't have disagreements, control issues, disputes over status and spheres of authority. We've all been there. Compromise is inevitable, if relationships are to survive; neither partner gets everything he/she wants. But cooking up devious strategies to sneak that JBovier by She Who Must Be Obeyed -- well, IMHO there's a lot wrong with that, starting from the basic premise and working downward.

Jus' sayin'...

[Vincent Capostagno]

The sheer length of this thread is an indication of how important this issue is. A sort of group therapy. The devious/manipulative behavior was probably learned in childhood (eg sneeking in that "stray" dog). Partners in a relationship usually don't have identical interests but do have equal rights in the assets of that relationship. A reasoned discussion and a little love usually solves these problems.